Don’t you just hate it when you try to prove something and you fail? Even when everyone you know keeps telling you that you’re wrong? We think that most of the time we know exactly what we’re up against, and that we’ll be able to take care of it. What’s worse is when you KNOW that things are not going to end up the way you want it to be, but you still preserver towards it. Sometimes you want it so badly that you’ll even kill for it. Well, shit happens… I know, I’ve tried...
All my close friends told me to give up. Telling me that it’s not going to work out and that she’ll patch things up again. They all saw it and kept warning me bout what kind of dead end lies at the end of this road. I told them that they were ALL WRONG! Honestly don’t know if my actions are considered good or just plain stupid.
There have been people I know that waited for that special someone for years. Not 1 or 2 years, but several years! And when they manage to get together whether its getting together or getting married, it just makes the wait more worth wild, know what I mean…?
Im not angry or mad with the people who warned me bout the kinda pain im going to end up with. Its nobody’s fault but mine. If I had just kept my face out of the photo from the very beginning, none of this would happened. You all say it with good intentions, and I respect and thank you for your concerns. But I just cant help myself. And congrats to all those who told me that its not going to work out! Cause you people got what you asked for. You guys finally proved me wrong
This year, I have learnt a very valuable lesson, what love really feels like. Not trying to sound gay or like a fag, but love cant be taught, it cant be read up in a book, not even the internet can tell you what love really is. To every individual, love is a complete different feeling. I know that im in love for sure. None of that puppy love bullshit.
It’s a feeling like no other, and this is my explanation of it. Take all the feelings you’ve had in your previous relationship, put it all together. The total feelings are not even close to a fraction of what I feel now for this girl. For those who have never been in a relationship, take the one thing you treasure the most, times that with infinity and it still not close to anything to what I feel. For anyone to know what love really is, they’d just have to find that special someone.
What can I say bout my current situation. She has no idea how I feel. And I cant bear to tell her how much I love her and how much pain it causes me knowing that the end has come. It’ll cause her so much sadness… Have thought of so many things to do with her, and now it looks like I wont be able to do most of them with her.
When I saw you, I was afraid to meet you.
When I met you, I was afraid to be close with you.
When I was close with you, I was afraid to tell you I love you.
Now that I’ve told you I love you, I’m afraid of losing you…
It’s crazy how we got close together. Its something that you’d NEVER see in the movies, Something that not many people experience, its just something so special what we had. I think so and she thinks so too. One minute we’d be arguing bout some really emo problems, and the next minute we’d be able to chat and laugh without feeling any awkwardness, and patch things up and continue chatting and laughing away. Its just so special. Its like lying down with the person you love so much with all your heart under a cloudless sky filled with stars, and just enjoying that beautiful moment. Its just breathless….
I don’t think I can ever stop loving her. The world wants me to stop; even she wants me to stop, all with good intentions. But how can I love another? There is never going to be another girl just like her. Yea there’d be better looking ones out there, smarter ones, but its not her. There is only one of her and I don’t want to stop loving her! Most of you by now might be thinking that im just being silly or just F**cking stupid for thinking like that.
But how can I expect anyone to truly understand how I feel when they dont know how much i really love her...
Monday, November 9, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Life's a climb, but the view is great...
Been watching all sorts of movies lately and i hate most of them! The guys in the movies just have it so easy! Why cant life be anything like that? The way these movie present themselves is crazy! The guy ALWAYS get the girl! If he fails to impress her, the girl will do the impressing to the guy and they end up together... Damn i wish i were in a movie now...
Recently i just watched Hannah Monatana. I know its lame, but just watched for fun. Turned out to be a pretty good movie. Well towards the end. There was a part in the movie where the guy said, "Life's a climb, but the view's great!". I guess that this is saying is that, life is a long road. And at the end of the road is what you desire. Its a long road and along the road, there are all sorts of things in the way, bumps, pot holes, mountains in the way...
Yes it may be though to cross the problems, it may hurt, it may be sad, But when you reach the end of the road, you just know that its ganna be worth 10 times more of all the trouble you went through before reaching the end. I know that in my situation is so worth everything that i've gone through and have yet to go through.
Im not ganna give up on this. Many have told me to give up and move on, i listen to them, but i choose not to follow them. People do stupid things when their in love. And im confident to say that im in love with this chick. I dont care what the world throws in front of me, all i know is that im not ganna let it block my way. One way or another, im ganna reach the end of my road.
Even if the end of the road turns out to have nothing there, im not ganna be angry or anything. Even after going through all the though times to reach there, its ganna be ok. Cause i'll just have to go all the way back and another road that leads to the SAME goal. Like i said, im not giving up on her.
Been a while since i've heard those words now... Miss hearing em i guess.. But you cant force these kinda things right? Wish i could hear em more...
Just being emo again...
Recently i just watched Hannah Monatana. I know its lame, but just watched for fun. Turned out to be a pretty good movie. Well towards the end. There was a part in the movie where the guy said, "Life's a climb, but the view's great!". I guess that this is saying is that, life is a long road. And at the end of the road is what you desire. Its a long road and along the road, there are all sorts of things in the way, bumps, pot holes, mountains in the way...
Yes it may be though to cross the problems, it may hurt, it may be sad, But when you reach the end of the road, you just know that its ganna be worth 10 times more of all the trouble you went through before reaching the end. I know that in my situation is so worth everything that i've gone through and have yet to go through.
Im not ganna give up on this. Many have told me to give up and move on, i listen to them, but i choose not to follow them. People do stupid things when their in love. And im confident to say that im in love with this chick. I dont care what the world throws in front of me, all i know is that im not ganna let it block my way. One way or another, im ganna reach the end of my road.
Even if the end of the road turns out to have nothing there, im not ganna be angry or anything. Even after going through all the though times to reach there, its ganna be ok. Cause i'll just have to go all the way back and another road that leads to the SAME goal. Like i said, im not giving up on her.
Been a while since i've heard those words now... Miss hearing em i guess.. But you cant force these kinda things right? Wish i could hear em more...
Just being emo again...
Monday, August 24, 2009
FML...
FML man. Life here is so full of disappointments. I dont know bout you, but i find it though to get what you want. Im fortunate enough to be born in a family that cares and nurture me. I guess you could say im well groomed and pretty well off. I appreciate all the things that i have right now and im thankful for them.
I get everything i need. Im not complaining bout that. Its what i WANT that's the problem. There are a whole load of things that i want but cant really get. I know people say that if you work for it, you'll get it. I have been trying my best with this, but things dont always turn out the way you plan for it. Its a lot easier said than done.
Right now, if i could start my life all over again, like in the movie 17 Again, i would choose to go back to form 1, age 13. If only i could re-do the last 7 years of my life, i would!! Sad to say, there's no such thing. Well i guess that just sucks for everyone who wants to start over.
But i have an alternative plan. I plan to go to Aus next year to continue my studies. I'll be finishing up my course of 2 more years there. Its ganna be an awesome experience, ganna learn new things, meet new people and stuff. Of all the things that i'll go through there, what im most happy bout is that i can start over.
Once there, i can be whoever i want, whatever i wanna be and no one can judge me. Here people know me, they know what im like, they know my character. I dont know... I just think that with a new life there in Aus, life would be a lot easier. I can adapt to life there.
Hate myself here. Hate what im like, hate the problems i've gone through. All the sad memories and just basically everything thats unhappy here. Once there, i dont have to worry bout anything that i've gone through in the past. I'll be able to create a whole new me.
I've told myself now, that if things dont work out the way i want it to by the end of this year, Im most likely not ganna get another chance, which is true. But im not giving up. PERSEVERE!! Thats what im ganna do! Like i said, i want to be a different guy when im there. Not only in terms of my social life, but in every part of my life.
Not sure what im really talking bout here either... Things right now just suck for me. There are some good times i get to enjoy if im lucky, but there are more bad times than good unfortunately. So im just looking forward to begin a whole new life and hope for the best in the years to come...
You should never, i repeat, NEVER, give up on your dreams. No matter how ridiculous they may seem, dont give up. This is a message to all those who read this.
Never back down...
I get everything i need. Im not complaining bout that. Its what i WANT that's the problem. There are a whole load of things that i want but cant really get. I know people say that if you work for it, you'll get it. I have been trying my best with this, but things dont always turn out the way you plan for it. Its a lot easier said than done.
Right now, if i could start my life all over again, like in the movie 17 Again, i would choose to go back to form 1, age 13. If only i could re-do the last 7 years of my life, i would!! Sad to say, there's no such thing. Well i guess that just sucks for everyone who wants to start over.
But i have an alternative plan. I plan to go to Aus next year to continue my studies. I'll be finishing up my course of 2 more years there. Its ganna be an awesome experience, ganna learn new things, meet new people and stuff. Of all the things that i'll go through there, what im most happy bout is that i can start over.
Once there, i can be whoever i want, whatever i wanna be and no one can judge me. Here people know me, they know what im like, they know my character. I dont know... I just think that with a new life there in Aus, life would be a lot easier. I can adapt to life there.
Hate myself here. Hate what im like, hate the problems i've gone through. All the sad memories and just basically everything thats unhappy here. Once there, i dont have to worry bout anything that i've gone through in the past. I'll be able to create a whole new me.
I've told myself now, that if things dont work out the way i want it to by the end of this year, Im most likely not ganna get another chance, which is true. But im not giving up. PERSEVERE!! Thats what im ganna do! Like i said, i want to be a different guy when im there. Not only in terms of my social life, but in every part of my life.
Not sure what im really talking bout here either... Things right now just suck for me. There are some good times i get to enjoy if im lucky, but there are more bad times than good unfortunately. So im just looking forward to begin a whole new life and hope for the best in the years to come...
You should never, i repeat, NEVER, give up on your dreams. No matter how ridiculous they may seem, dont give up. This is a message to all those who read this.
Never back down...
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Still that asshole i guess...
Have said it before many times in the past and in some of my last few post, I dont wanna be that asshole who screws up an already perfect relationship for my benefit. Kept telling myself to stay out of dangerous waters, dont go getting myself into trouble, dont try the impossible. Have told myself all these things, and yet i still get myself into it. How can i explain my actions, when you feel it, you just feel it you know? There are no words to explain how i feel now.
Have told myself whats ganna happen within the next few months already and have been reminding myself several times a day. When that time comes, just let it come and be normal. But it kinda came a little early than expected and it feels like a bitch.
I've never tried so hard for anyone before. Some friends of mine know my situation and when i asked them if they do what i do, they'd all say HELL NO! If i dont get her within a week or two im out of the game. Well i've been in this game for a few months now. And there have been both ups and downs. When the times are up, its really up. But when its down, it can hurt so badly.
A really close friend of mine told me from the beginning that i should just quit, its not worth the pain if things go bad. But i refused to listen to him! What he explained to me was not wrong and made a load of sense, and i still refused to listen.
Its it just a crush? Is it puppy love? Can i say im in love?
I got told off once by her, bout loving her. She told me that i did not know the meaning of love. She said the Bible explains what love is and what i feel may not be love and im saying it without knowing what it means. So i checked up on it on the internet. (dont have a bible)
1 Corinthians 13
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
What you see in the paragraph above is what the Bible says about love. After reading this i started to think if what i really felt for was really love. To me this verse bout love is like a guide line. So i checked myself if i was anything close to following these guide lines.
I feel that i've been patient with her, i've been kinda. I dont envy her, nor do i boast bout her, and i do not show her off. I dont think i;v;e been rude, and probably not self-seaking. Im not easily angered even thought some of the things she does can really piss a guy off, and i keep no record of wrongs. Whatever she has done in the past i choose to leave it in the past and focus on her and the future. And im very sure i do NOT delight in evil and im happy knowing the truth. I do protect her, i do trust her and im still hoping with everything i've got.
The last part of this verse is "Love always perseveres." From my understanding, persevere means to keep going for it and never giving up. This is the last guide line that i cant tick yet. Am i persevering? I know im trying my heart out with this. Prob is that only time will tell if im persevering or not.
To many, what i feel for her may not be love. But i know that i really have strong feelings for her. Its nothing like i've ever felt before. You can take all my last relationships and put all the feelings in those relationship together and it might be only a fraction of what im feeling for her now.
I know i love her with all my heart. For her, i will really go to the ends of the world. I've never done anything for her because i had too. When help was needed, i did not help out cause i needed to. I help out because i wanted too. And i did it all with a smile. There have been times when she would say things to me that were sharp enough to slice through the toughest material, and most people would just quit, but i did not. I kept going. I kept trying.
Everyone who knows my situation have told me to quit, move on, there's plenty of fish in the sea, you'll find someone better. I dont believe these things. I mean why should i? I love her and thats all that matters. I love with with every beat of my heart. She does not have to love me back if she does not want too. But whatever the case is, i know that i'll never find anyone like her for the rest of my life. This is the one thing bout my future that i know.
How often does a guy get to find a girl, no, not just a girl, but THE girl of their dreams huh? How often do the heavens drop down an angel into your life? How FUCKING often do you meet the perfect person in your eyes only? HOW OFTEN??? Things like these do NOT happen everyday, and no guy, no matter how good you are with the ladies can choose when this girl would come up in your life. I dont care who you are, dont come and fucking tell me that, " Oh, dont worry, you'll find someone else whos better."
I know that there are loads of fish in the sea and i know that there are other ladies out there who are better than her in every way. Thing is i dont want another girl who's like her, i dont want someone else even if their better than her. I want her. I fell in love with not only with all the good things bout her, but even the bad things. I dont want anyone else no matter how much better they are.
If only she knew what and how i feel bout her. If only she could see my feelings. I dont know how much this guy loves her, but i know that i love her more and i'll always love her.
Like 1 Corinthians 13 says, Love perseveres. And the only way for me to check that, is with time. So far i think i've been doing a good job with it, just dont think its anywhere close to enough yet.
What to do... Guess im still that dumb ass who is in love with the impossible and doesn't what to give up...
Have told myself whats ganna happen within the next few months already and have been reminding myself several times a day. When that time comes, just let it come and be normal. But it kinda came a little early than expected and it feels like a bitch.
I've never tried so hard for anyone before. Some friends of mine know my situation and when i asked them if they do what i do, they'd all say HELL NO! If i dont get her within a week or two im out of the game. Well i've been in this game for a few months now. And there have been both ups and downs. When the times are up, its really up. But when its down, it can hurt so badly.
A really close friend of mine told me from the beginning that i should just quit, its not worth the pain if things go bad. But i refused to listen to him! What he explained to me was not wrong and made a load of sense, and i still refused to listen.
Its it just a crush? Is it puppy love? Can i say im in love?
I got told off once by her, bout loving her. She told me that i did not know the meaning of love. She said the Bible explains what love is and what i feel may not be love and im saying it without knowing what it means. So i checked up on it on the internet. (dont have a bible)
1 Corinthians 13
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
What you see in the paragraph above is what the Bible says about love. After reading this i started to think if what i really felt for was really love. To me this verse bout love is like a guide line. So i checked myself if i was anything close to following these guide lines.
I feel that i've been patient with her, i've been kinda. I dont envy her, nor do i boast bout her, and i do not show her off. I dont think i;v;e been rude, and probably not self-seaking. Im not easily angered even thought some of the things she does can really piss a guy off, and i keep no record of wrongs. Whatever she has done in the past i choose to leave it in the past and focus on her and the future. And im very sure i do NOT delight in evil and im happy knowing the truth. I do protect her, i do trust her and im still hoping with everything i've got.
The last part of this verse is "Love always perseveres." From my understanding, persevere means to keep going for it and never giving up. This is the last guide line that i cant tick yet. Am i persevering? I know im trying my heart out with this. Prob is that only time will tell if im persevering or not.
To many, what i feel for her may not be love. But i know that i really have strong feelings for her. Its nothing like i've ever felt before. You can take all my last relationships and put all the feelings in those relationship together and it might be only a fraction of what im feeling for her now.
I know i love her with all my heart. For her, i will really go to the ends of the world. I've never done anything for her because i had too. When help was needed, i did not help out cause i needed to. I help out because i wanted too. And i did it all with a smile. There have been times when she would say things to me that were sharp enough to slice through the toughest material, and most people would just quit, but i did not. I kept going. I kept trying.
Everyone who knows my situation have told me to quit, move on, there's plenty of fish in the sea, you'll find someone better. I dont believe these things. I mean why should i? I love her and thats all that matters. I love with with every beat of my heart. She does not have to love me back if she does not want too. But whatever the case is, i know that i'll never find anyone like her for the rest of my life. This is the one thing bout my future that i know.
How often does a guy get to find a girl, no, not just a girl, but THE girl of their dreams huh? How often do the heavens drop down an angel into your life? How FUCKING often do you meet the perfect person in your eyes only? HOW OFTEN??? Things like these do NOT happen everyday, and no guy, no matter how good you are with the ladies can choose when this girl would come up in your life. I dont care who you are, dont come and fucking tell me that, " Oh, dont worry, you'll find someone else whos better."
I know that there are loads of fish in the sea and i know that there are other ladies out there who are better than her in every way. Thing is i dont want another girl who's like her, i dont want someone else even if their better than her. I want her. I fell in love with not only with all the good things bout her, but even the bad things. I dont want anyone else no matter how much better they are.
If only she knew what and how i feel bout her. If only she could see my feelings. I dont know how much this guy loves her, but i know that i love her more and i'll always love her.
Like 1 Corinthians 13 says, Love perseveres. And the only way for me to check that, is with time. So far i think i've been doing a good job with it, just dont think its anywhere close to enough yet.
What to do... Guess im still that dumb ass who is in love with the impossible and doesn't what to give up...
Sunday, May 10, 2009
8 years...
Damn! Its been 8 long years since i have really talked with this girl! How time flies with a snap of a finger. I still remember the first time i saw her, its as if it was only yesterday. Was only 12 back then when i had my first crush. Cute huh, haha! Anyways its been 8 years since the last time i had any activities with her, and screw you its nothing naughty!
First time i saw her was during my first church camp (ISCA CAMP), and i was like "WOW! Who is that pretty girl over there?" Got a friend to introduce her to me, =D lucky me hee~! Through out the whole 5 days of the camp, i had my eye on her, at the same time paying attention to all the activities and services being held, lol. That was also the first time i play bball. The last night of the camp, i had a chance to play bball with her, well not with her, but against her. I had fun playing bball with her, lol. When we had the ball she would be marking me and when they had the ball, well i need not say more =p. The rule on the last night was that the campers were not allow to sleep!!! We played ball till like 5 in the morning, and by that time all the stores were all closed, and it just so happened that i was feeling hungry. As a 12 year old, or a small kid, i started to make noise bout being hungry and all. She came to me and asked me if i wanted a bite to eat, and i was like YES YES, FEED ME! She laughed and told me to hang on a sec while she went back to her room to grab a chocolate bar, and just so you know, her room was all the way across the court and was on the second floor! Within 5 mins, she came back with the chocolate bar and gave to me. And the way she explained my reaction to me was that it was one of the cutest thing she had ever seen! She told me that i was so happy just to have that little snack! Plus that was first time that someone had ever been so damn freaking nice to me, other than family members. Since that snack time, i already had a huge crush on her.
As the years went by, i continued attending the church services, just to have see her lol. Dont get me wrong, yes at first i went there just to have that 2 hours of admiring her, but the later years i went there to attend the services, back then known as ISCA. At the back of my mind, i had always imagined what it would be like to be her bf. How can i describe this girl...? Hmm... CLOSE TO PERFECT! And i shit you not! She is such a nice young lady not only to me, but to everyone!
Recently she came back to M'sia, to settle some things. And i had not seen her for at least 4/5 years. Got to know she came back and started chattin with her, catching up on life and stuff... Was invited to her place for a function bout a week ago, and even after all these years, she still had that awesome pretty look and still had the perfect personality. Had the chance to go out with her and hang out.
In my last few posts, i mentioned that i wanted to change my personality, becoming a bad ass, not wanting to be who i am, dont wanna to so nice, sweet, caring and etc. But the fact is, you cant really change who you are. You are who you are no matter what. You can try to change, but in the last 3 months, i have failed to do so. Being a nice, sweet, caring guy is who/what i am!
And as some of you know, im kinda known for my sweet talking. Im do not claim it, i was told it! Anyways, being a sweet talker is not all that good. I managed to sorta kinda maybe created some chemistry with this girl. And she already has a bf, they have been together for more than a year now. And i dont wanna be the asshole to screw up their relationship for my benefit. Yes i do have feelings for her, but i have told myself that since im sure that i dont wanna be that asshole, the most i wanna do is at least be one of her good friends, which i hope i have become... A small part of me is still hoping that one day i might get what i want, but if not, i guess im cool with just being her friend.
The past few days hanging out with her had been some of the best days this year. Yes i have been going through some though times this year, but with these few outings, you have really made me feel alot better. I have really enjoyed myself hanging out with her, not because i have feelings for her or anything, but more because she is just a really cool friend! And she told me that i have been one of her close friends since she came back to M'sia. =D
Just today i went over to her place to chill, and it so happens that her mum and her bro were home and wanted to take her out to get some stuff. At first I was kinda like, “Errr….?” Should I follow or should I just leave…? Well in the end I tagged along wit her. This was also a chance for me to hanging out with her and maybe get to know her a little more, however that works… At first I was kinda nervous cause I don’t normally go out with a friends mum when their doing their shopping. She kept asking me if I was ok, maybe cause I was also looking kinda nervous. Honestly, I did not have the heart to tell her no I was not ok, that would only make her feel bad. As the day went by, this were going alright, but towards the end of the outing, I started to feel a negative vibe coming from her mum and bro. Don’t know if its just me or what…. But I decided that after that I would just head home. But I did not regret going tagging along cause I got to kinda “shop” with her, lol.
Im a nice guy, maybe a little too nice, or maybe just plain damn freaking nice… She told me not to be too nice to her all the time cause she was getting a little confused with some of the things I’ve said to her and had done for her. In all honesty, I just wanted to be there for you. She told me that she had started questioning her loyalty. Again I did not want to be that asshole, so I told her, “If you are feeling uncomfortable with me, I will back off from you life so that you wont feel so uncomfortable.” She said she did not want me to do so. I mean I really do like her a lot, but I don’t wanna get in the way of anything.
Right now she is having some conflict with her bf, and im freaking worried now if it was me who caused all this conflict. If its cause of me, im so sorry, just says the word and I’ll back off! Am not sure if its me who caused the problem, but I cant help but feel that way. I don’t want her to have her heart broken cause of me. Asked a close friend for some advise, (screw you, I just wanted to know what was the right thing to do!) he told me that if I really like her, I would not force my way in to anything and if it’s really to be then, just give it time.
Argh! Im not sure what im saying now… All I know is that im not feelin too good bout myself now. I not only really like her, but also really like her as a friend.
!@#$%^&*()
If she happens to come across post, Im sorry if I had done things to confuse your feelings and clouding your thoughts… As I’ve said many times, if you are not comfortable with me, please please tell me so that I can back off.
Am not sure what to do… She is going through a really though time, and me being the one who wants to be there for her, am I making it tougher? Am I causing more problems for you? I don’t wanna be! Back off? Stay? I don’t know! This is really killing me. After getting those negative vibes, im feeling so messed up…
Whatever your decision is, I will respect it. Whether if its you wanting me to back off from your life, or for me to continue to be what I am in your eyes now, or anything. I will respect that.
Sorry for the mixed emotions…
First time i saw her was during my first church camp (ISCA CAMP), and i was like "WOW! Who is that pretty girl over there?" Got a friend to introduce her to me, =D lucky me hee~! Through out the whole 5 days of the camp, i had my eye on her, at the same time paying attention to all the activities and services being held, lol. That was also the first time i play bball. The last night of the camp, i had a chance to play bball with her, well not with her, but against her. I had fun playing bball with her, lol. When we had the ball she would be marking me and when they had the ball, well i need not say more =p. The rule on the last night was that the campers were not allow to sleep!!! We played ball till like 5 in the morning, and by that time all the stores were all closed, and it just so happened that i was feeling hungry. As a 12 year old, or a small kid, i started to make noise bout being hungry and all. She came to me and asked me if i wanted a bite to eat, and i was like YES YES, FEED ME! She laughed and told me to hang on a sec while she went back to her room to grab a chocolate bar, and just so you know, her room was all the way across the court and was on the second floor! Within 5 mins, she came back with the chocolate bar and gave to me. And the way she explained my reaction to me was that it was one of the cutest thing she had ever seen! She told me that i was so happy just to have that little snack! Plus that was first time that someone had ever been so damn freaking nice to me, other than family members. Since that snack time, i already had a huge crush on her.
As the years went by, i continued attending the church services, just to have see her lol. Dont get me wrong, yes at first i went there just to have that 2 hours of admiring her, but the later years i went there to attend the services, back then known as ISCA. At the back of my mind, i had always imagined what it would be like to be her bf. How can i describe this girl...? Hmm... CLOSE TO PERFECT! And i shit you not! She is such a nice young lady not only to me, but to everyone!
Recently she came back to M'sia, to settle some things. And i had not seen her for at least 4/5 years. Got to know she came back and started chattin with her, catching up on life and stuff... Was invited to her place for a function bout a week ago, and even after all these years, she still had that awesome pretty look and still had the perfect personality. Had the chance to go out with her and hang out.
In my last few posts, i mentioned that i wanted to change my personality, becoming a bad ass, not wanting to be who i am, dont wanna to so nice, sweet, caring and etc. But the fact is, you cant really change who you are. You are who you are no matter what. You can try to change, but in the last 3 months, i have failed to do so. Being a nice, sweet, caring guy is who/what i am!
And as some of you know, im kinda known for my sweet talking. Im do not claim it, i was told it! Anyways, being a sweet talker is not all that good. I managed to sorta kinda maybe created some chemistry with this girl. And she already has a bf, they have been together for more than a year now. And i dont wanna be the asshole to screw up their relationship for my benefit. Yes i do have feelings for her, but i have told myself that since im sure that i dont wanna be that asshole, the most i wanna do is at least be one of her good friends, which i hope i have become... A small part of me is still hoping that one day i might get what i want, but if not, i guess im cool with just being her friend.
The past few days hanging out with her had been some of the best days this year. Yes i have been going through some though times this year, but with these few outings, you have really made me feel alot better. I have really enjoyed myself hanging out with her, not because i have feelings for her or anything, but more because she is just a really cool friend! And she told me that i have been one of her close friends since she came back to M'sia. =D
Just today i went over to her place to chill, and it so happens that her mum and her bro were home and wanted to take her out to get some stuff. At first I was kinda like, “Errr….?” Should I follow or should I just leave…? Well in the end I tagged along wit her. This was also a chance for me to hanging out with her and maybe get to know her a little more, however that works… At first I was kinda nervous cause I don’t normally go out with a friends mum when their doing their shopping. She kept asking me if I was ok, maybe cause I was also looking kinda nervous. Honestly, I did not have the heart to tell her no I was not ok, that would only make her feel bad. As the day went by, this were going alright, but towards the end of the outing, I started to feel a negative vibe coming from her mum and bro. Don’t know if its just me or what…. But I decided that after that I would just head home. But I did not regret going tagging along cause I got to kinda “shop” with her, lol.
Im a nice guy, maybe a little too nice, or maybe just plain damn freaking nice… She told me not to be too nice to her all the time cause she was getting a little confused with some of the things I’ve said to her and had done for her. In all honesty, I just wanted to be there for you. She told me that she had started questioning her loyalty. Again I did not want to be that asshole, so I told her, “If you are feeling uncomfortable with me, I will back off from you life so that you wont feel so uncomfortable.” She said she did not want me to do so. I mean I really do like her a lot, but I don’t wanna get in the way of anything.
Right now she is having some conflict with her bf, and im freaking worried now if it was me who caused all this conflict. If its cause of me, im so sorry, just says the word and I’ll back off! Am not sure if its me who caused the problem, but I cant help but feel that way. I don’t want her to have her heart broken cause of me. Asked a close friend for some advise, (screw you, I just wanted to know what was the right thing to do!) he told me that if I really like her, I would not force my way in to anything and if it’s really to be then, just give it time.
Argh! Im not sure what im saying now… All I know is that im not feelin too good bout myself now. I not only really like her, but also really like her as a friend.
!@#$%^&*()
If she happens to come across post, Im sorry if I had done things to confuse your feelings and clouding your thoughts… As I’ve said many times, if you are not comfortable with me, please please tell me so that I can back off.
Am not sure what to do… She is going through a really though time, and me being the one who wants to be there for her, am I making it tougher? Am I causing more problems for you? I don’t wanna be! Back off? Stay? I don’t know! This is really killing me. After getting those negative vibes, im feeling so messed up…
Whatever your decision is, I will respect it. Whether if its you wanting me to back off from your life, or for me to continue to be what I am in your eyes now, or anything. I will respect that.
Sorry for the mixed emotions…
Monday, April 20, 2009
Friendship & Trust...
Something I don’t understand about people, including myself. Why tell people something personal, and then tell them not to tell anybody bout it? I just don’t get it. I mean we live in a world where the people in it just can’t be trusted, well at least most of them can’t be trusted. Just does not make any sense. Plus if you think about it, its just stupid right... 1st person will tell 2nd person something and tell them not to tell anyone, 2nd person will then tell 3rd person the story and tell them not to tell anyone, then 3rd person tells 4th person the story and tells them not to tell anyone and it goes on and on. The fucked up part bout these chain stories is that somewhere along the chain the story will be changed or something new will be added in it or the something will be left out. By the time it reaches the 6th person, the story will be something so different from what the first person told the second person. I fucking hate shit like this!
Not to say that i have not done so myself, but when someone tells me to really promise not to tell a soul bout this cause it can ruin a friendship or create a problem, I will really keep it to myself as promised. I admit to those reading this that i have exposed some things that i should have kept to myself. But the things i have told, i made sure that i had a good reason to do so. If I feel that a friend of mine should know about it, then i will tell them. And once i have don’t so, I am prepared to fucking accept consequences when it comes. If the friend comes after me for exposing the secret, i will not fight back with him/her but explain to them why i did it, and hope that they understand.
I have been in situations, yes there is a fucking "S" there, where i told things to people and made them promise not to tell anyone and yet they still tell. Is it karma? Well if it is then it just fucks to be me. But when i confront them bout breaking that promise i had with them, they have the fucking guts to scold me and tell me off saying that its for my own good. I mean, WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCKED UP MOTHER FUCKING FUCK? Come on man, you fuck me up and you still dare tell me off? Thank God that I'm a forgiving guy, which I fucking am for those who don’t believe.
But back then i would always forgive and the next day i will be talking and chatting with them like nothing happened. Well, like i said it was back then. Since the last 2/3 months, for those who have been with me, they know that i have had a change in me. I'm no longer the same happy go lucky that i have been in the past. This change did not really come all by itself, its more like I decided to have a change in me. Would like to kick off that too happy guy and bring out my darker side. Sounds stupid, I know…I feel that people tend to take me for granted due to my “anything or whatever” attitude. But no more shall you people have the benefit of having that guy around anymore. Now its very simple with me, you do something I don’t like, I’ll tell it to you in your face. You piss me off, I’ll tell you off. If you FUCKING piss me off, I’ll fuck you up. Am no longer the forgiving guy I used to be. Unless there is a proper/valid reason for me to forgive you, then I might just think about it. People who think they are better than me? Well, good for you and fuck you.
I feel as if I am able to relate to this picture, its time for the darker side of me to rise…
Now I'm a single guy who probably have no intentions of getting into any relationship anytime soon, and I’m very certain of myself that I would never go for another guys girl. Yes, this paragraph is for you, you fucking shit. I really don’t care about what whoever thinks about this. Dude if I wanted to take your girl from you, I would have fucking done it a long time ago you shit. And honestly, you do not intimidate me. You think with your small stunt you surprise me? Pathetic! You don’t even have the balls to tell me your reason. You practically fucked me up at a fucked up timing.
I feel that I should keep my distance from you for all the reasons you already know. Sorry if I have been a problem to you and your bf, but I feel that its time to choose a side or a party to be in. And I think I already know the answer. So from now, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be so close anymore. Its not because I'm afraid of anything, but its just that I'm not bothered to play this little game of who has the bigger balls and what not.
And what about the secrets? Well, I guess its time to look for the people I can REALLY trust. I already know a few and those few whom have kept my stories to themselves, well, a very big thank you and I hope that our friendship will continue to grow as time goes.
Word of advice before sharing a secret,
1. Choose your friend carefully
2. Study the person if he/she can be trusted
3. Make sure that whatever the secret is, you have a plan B in case it comes out
4. Tell your story clearly (If not it might be changed if its told to the next party.)
And with that I have concluded what I have learnt about FRIENDSHIP AND TRUST....
Not to say that i have not done so myself, but when someone tells me to really promise not to tell a soul bout this cause it can ruin a friendship or create a problem, I will really keep it to myself as promised. I admit to those reading this that i have exposed some things that i should have kept to myself. But the things i have told, i made sure that i had a good reason to do so. If I feel that a friend of mine should know about it, then i will tell them. And once i have don’t so, I am prepared to fucking accept consequences when it comes. If the friend comes after me for exposing the secret, i will not fight back with him/her but explain to them why i did it, and hope that they understand.
I have been in situations, yes there is a fucking "S" there, where i told things to people and made them promise not to tell anyone and yet they still tell. Is it karma? Well if it is then it just fucks to be me. But when i confront them bout breaking that promise i had with them, they have the fucking guts to scold me and tell me off saying that its for my own good. I mean, WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCKED UP MOTHER FUCKING FUCK? Come on man, you fuck me up and you still dare tell me off? Thank God that I'm a forgiving guy, which I fucking am for those who don’t believe.
But back then i would always forgive and the next day i will be talking and chatting with them like nothing happened. Well, like i said it was back then. Since the last 2/3 months, for those who have been with me, they know that i have had a change in me. I'm no longer the same happy go lucky that i have been in the past. This change did not really come all by itself, its more like I decided to have a change in me. Would like to kick off that too happy guy and bring out my darker side. Sounds stupid, I know…I feel that people tend to take me for granted due to my “anything or whatever” attitude. But no more shall you people have the benefit of having that guy around anymore. Now its very simple with me, you do something I don’t like, I’ll tell it to you in your face. You piss me off, I’ll tell you off. If you FUCKING piss me off, I’ll fuck you up. Am no longer the forgiving guy I used to be. Unless there is a proper/valid reason for me to forgive you, then I might just think about it. People who think they are better than me? Well, good for you and fuck you.
I feel as if I am able to relate to this picture, its time for the darker side of me to rise…
Now I'm a single guy who probably have no intentions of getting into any relationship anytime soon, and I’m very certain of myself that I would never go for another guys girl. Yes, this paragraph is for you, you fucking shit. I really don’t care about what whoever thinks about this. Dude if I wanted to take your girl from you, I would have fucking done it a long time ago you shit. And honestly, you do not intimidate me. You think with your small stunt you surprise me? Pathetic! You don’t even have the balls to tell me your reason. You practically fucked me up at a fucked up timing.
I feel that I should keep my distance from you for all the reasons you already know. Sorry if I have been a problem to you and your bf, but I feel that its time to choose a side or a party to be in. And I think I already know the answer. So from now, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be so close anymore. Its not because I'm afraid of anything, but its just that I'm not bothered to play this little game of who has the bigger balls and what not.
And what about the secrets? Well, I guess its time to look for the people I can REALLY trust. I already know a few and those few whom have kept my stories to themselves, well, a very big thank you and I hope that our friendship will continue to grow as time goes.
Word of advice before sharing a secret,
1. Choose your friend carefully
2. Study the person if he/she can be trusted
3. Make sure that whatever the secret is, you have a plan B in case it comes out
4. Tell your story clearly (If not it might be changed if its told to the next party.)
And with that I have concluded what I have learnt about FRIENDSHIP AND TRUST....
Monday, April 13, 2009
In need of some motivation...
Finals coming in the next 2 weeks and im seriously not prepared... Damnit man i need something to motivate me so that i can get the ball rolling, if not im ganna have to freaking resit for another paper... Been kinda stressed out for the past week due to my studies. Have grounded myself untill the end of finals, with the intention to study, but i always seem to end up doing other things. Too many distractions in life man. Friends, internet, mobilephones, guitar, cards, movies and a shit load of other stuff. Need to get my head in the game!!! Gatta get focused before its too late. I have roughly 2 weeks, 14 days to study 3 subjects. The worst part is that all 3 subjects im taking this sem are reading subjects... Macro, Management and Marketing.
Right now... it really sucks to be me.. =(
Right now... it really sucks to be me.. =(
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