8 years...

Damn! Its been 8 long years since i have really talked with this girl! How time flies with a snap of a finger. I still remember the first time i saw her, its as if it was only yesterday. Was only 12 back then when i had my first crush. Cute huh, haha! Anyways its been 8 years since the last time i had any activities with her, and screw you its nothing naughty!

First time i saw her was during my first church camp (ISCA CAMP), and i was like "WOW! Who is that pretty girl over there?" Got a friend to introduce her to me, =D lucky me hee~! Through out the whole 5 days of the camp, i had my eye on her, at the same time paying attention to all the activities and services being held, lol. That was also the first time i play bball. The last night of the camp, i had a chance to play bball with her, well not with her, but against her. I had fun playing bball with her, lol. When we had the ball she would be marking me and when they had the ball, well i need not say more =p. The rule on the last night was that the campers were not allow to sleep!!! We played ball till like 5 in the morning, and by that time all the stores were all closed, and it just so happened that i was feeling hungry. As a 12 year old, or a small kid, i started to make noise bout being hungry and all. She came to me and asked me if i wanted a bite to eat, and i was like YES YES, FEED ME! She laughed and told me to hang on a sec while she went back to her room to grab a chocolate bar, and just so you know, her room was all the way across the court and was on the second floor! Within 5 mins, she came back with the chocolate bar and gave to me. And the way she explained my reaction to me was that it was one of the cutest thing she had ever seen! She told me that i was so happy just to have that little snack! Plus that was first time that someone had ever been so damn freaking nice to me, other than family members. Since that snack time, i already had a huge crush on her.

As the years went by, i continued attending the church services, just to have see her lol. Dont get me wrong, yes at first i went there just to have that 2 hours of admiring her, but the later years i went there to attend the services, back then known as ISCA. At the back of my mind, i had always imagined what it would be like to be her bf. How can i describe this girl...? Hmm... CLOSE TO PERFECT! And i shit you not! She is such a nice young lady not only to me, but to everyone!

Recently she came back to M'sia, to settle some things. And i had not seen her for at least 4/5 years. Got to know she came back and started chattin with her, catching up on life and stuff... Was invited to her place for a function bout a week ago, and even after all these years, she still had that awesome pretty look and still had the perfect personality. Had the chance to go out with her and hang out.

In my last few posts, i mentioned that i wanted to change my personality, becoming a bad ass, not wanting to be who i am, dont wanna to so nice, sweet, caring and etc. But the fact is, you cant really change who you are. You are who you are no matter what. You can try to change, but in the last 3 months, i have failed to do so. Being a nice, sweet, caring guy is who/what i am!

And as some of you know, im kinda known for my sweet talking. Im do not claim it, i was told it! Anyways, being a sweet talker is not all that good. I managed to sorta kinda maybe created some chemistry with this girl. And she already has a bf, they have been together for more than a year now. And i dont wanna be the asshole to screw up their relationship for my benefit. Yes i do have feelings for her, but i have told myself that since im sure that i dont wanna be that asshole, the most i wanna do is at least be one of her good friends, which i hope i have become... A small part of me is still hoping that one day i might get what i want, but if not, i guess im cool with just being her friend.

The past few days hanging out with her had been some of the best days this year. Yes i have been going through some though times this year, but with these few outings, you have really made me feel alot better. I have really enjoyed myself hanging out with her, not because i have feelings for her or anything, but more because she is just a really cool friend! And she told me that i have been one of her close friends since she came back to M'sia. =D

Just today i went over to her place to chill, and it so happens that her mum and her bro were home and wanted to take her out to get some stuff. At first I was kinda like, “Errr….?” Should I follow or should I just leave…? Well in the end I tagged along wit her. This was also a chance for me to hanging out with her and maybe get to know her a little more, however that works… At first I was kinda nervous cause I don’t normally go out with a friends mum when their doing their shopping. She kept asking me if I was ok, maybe cause I was also looking kinda nervous. Honestly, I did not have the heart to tell her no I was not ok, that would only make her feel bad. As the day went by, this were going alright, but towards the end of the outing, I started to feel a negative vibe coming from her mum and bro. Don’t know if its just me or what…. But I decided that after that I would just head home. But I did not regret going tagging along cause I got to kinda “shop” with her, lol.

Im a nice guy, maybe a little too nice, or maybe just plain damn freaking nice… She told me not to be too nice to her all the time cause she was getting a little confused with some of the things I’ve said to her and had done for her. In all honesty, I just wanted to be there for you. She told me that she had started questioning her loyalty. Again I did not want to be that asshole, so I told her, “If you are feeling uncomfortable with me, I will back off from you life so that you wont feel so uncomfortable.” She said she did not want me to do so. I mean I really do like her a lot, but I don’t wanna get in the way of anything.

Right now she is having some conflict with her bf, and im freaking worried now if it was me who caused all this conflict. If its cause of me, im so sorry, just says the word and I’ll back off! Am not sure if its me who caused the problem, but I cant help but feel that way. I don’t want her to have her heart broken cause of me. Asked a close friend for some advise, (screw you, I just wanted to know what was the right thing to do!) he told me that if I really like her, I would not force my way in to anything and if it’s really to be then, just give it time.

Argh! Im not sure what im saying now… All I know is that im not feelin too good bout myself now. I not only really like her, but also really like her as a friend.

!@#$%^&*()

If she happens to come across post, Im sorry if I had done things to confuse your feelings and clouding your thoughts… As I’ve said many times, if you are not comfortable with me, please please tell me so that I can back off.

Am not sure what to do… She is going through a really though time, and me being the one who wants to be there for her, am I making it tougher? Am I causing more problems for you? I don’t wanna be! Back off? Stay? I don’t know! This is really killing me. After getting those negative vibes, im feeling so messed up…

Whatever your decision is, I will respect it. Whether if its you wanting me to back off from your life, or for me to continue to be what I am in your eyes now, or anything. I will respect that.







Sorry for the mixed emotions…