Still that asshole i guess...

Have said it before many times in the past and in some of my last few post, I dont wanna be that asshole who screws up an already perfect relationship for my benefit. Kept telling myself to stay out of dangerous waters, dont go getting myself into trouble, dont try the impossible. Have told myself all these things, and yet i still get myself into it. How can i explain my actions, when you feel it, you just feel it you know? There are no words to explain how i feel now.

Have told myself whats ganna happen within the next few months already and have been reminding myself several times a day. When that time comes, just let it come and be normal. But it kinda came a little early than expected and it feels like a bitch.

I've never tried so hard for anyone before. Some friends of mine know my situation and when i asked them if they do what i do, they'd all say HELL NO! If i dont get her within a week or two im out of the game. Well i've been in this game for a few months now. And there have been both ups and downs. When the times are up, its really up. But when its down, it can hurt so badly.

A really close friend of mine told me from the beginning that i should just quit, its not worth the pain if things go bad. But i refused to listen to him! What he explained to me was not wrong and made a load of sense, and i still refused to listen.

Its it just a crush? Is it puppy love? Can i say im in love?

I got told off once by her, bout loving her. She told me that i did not know the meaning of love. She said the Bible explains what love is and what i feel may not be love and im saying it without knowing what it means. So i checked up on it on the internet. (dont have a bible)

1 Corinthians 13
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

What you see in the paragraph above is what the Bible says about love. After reading this i started to think if what i really felt for was really love. To me this verse bout love is like a guide line. So i checked myself if i was anything close to following these guide lines.

I feel that i've been patient with her, i've been kinda. I dont envy her, nor do i boast bout her, and i do not show her off. I dont think i;v;e been rude, and probably not self-seaking. Im not easily angered even thought some of the things she does can really piss a guy off, and i keep no record of wrongs. Whatever she has done in the past i choose to leave it in the past and focus on her and the future. And im very sure i do NOT delight in evil and im happy knowing the truth. I do protect her, i do trust her and im still hoping with everything i've got.

The last part of this verse is "Love always perseveres." From my understanding, persevere means to keep going for it and never giving up. This is the last guide line that i cant tick yet. Am i persevering? I know im trying my heart out with this. Prob is that only time will tell if im persevering or not.

To many, what i feel for her may not be love. But i know that i really have strong feelings for her. Its nothing like i've ever felt before. You can take all my last relationships and put all the feelings in those relationship together and it might be only a fraction of what im feeling for her now.

I know i love her with all my heart. For her, i will really go to the ends of the world. I've never done anything for her because i had too. When help was needed, i did not help out cause i needed to. I help out because i wanted too. And i did it all with a smile. There have been times when she would say things to me that were sharp enough to slice through the toughest material, and most people would just quit, but i did not. I kept going. I kept trying.

Everyone who knows my situation have told me to quit, move on, there's plenty of fish in the sea, you'll find someone better. I dont believe these things. I mean why should i? I love her and thats all that matters. I love with with every beat of my heart. She does not have to love me back if she does not want too. But whatever the case is, i know that i'll never find anyone like her for the rest of my life. This is the one thing bout my future that i know.

How often does a guy get to find a girl, no, not just a girl, but THE girl of their dreams huh? How often do the heavens drop down an angel into your life? How FUCKING often do you meet the perfect person in your eyes only? HOW OFTEN??? Things like these do NOT happen everyday, and no guy, no matter how good you are with the ladies can choose when this girl would come up in your life. I dont care who you are, dont come and fucking tell me that, " Oh, dont worry, you'll find someone else whos better."

I know that there are loads of fish in the sea and i know that there are other ladies out there who are better than her in every way. Thing is i dont want another girl who's like her, i dont want someone else even if their better than her. I want her. I fell in love with not only with all the good things bout her, but even the bad things. I dont want anyone else no matter how much better they are.

If only she knew what and how i feel bout her. If only she could see my feelings. I dont know how much this guy loves her, but i know that i love her more and i'll always love her.

Like 1 Corinthians 13 says, Love perseveres. And the only way for me to check that, is with time. So far i think i've been doing a good job with it, just dont think its anywhere close to enough yet.

What to do... Guess im still that dumb ass who is in love with the impossible and doesn't what to give up...