blame

Whos to blame? It looks like lately i've been being a real pain in the fucking ass. Always complaining bout something, and looks like i've been finding all sorts of reasons to argue. Have i always been like that? In the years before? I dont remember arguing so much with anyone before. hmm.. Cant really figure out why i've been like this...

All i can say is, if there is no problem i wouldn't say or complain bout anything, which i think is reasonable for me to say. I guess im probably more sensitive to things, but can anyone blame me for being the way i am? I mean if something is bothering me i'd voice it out. But everytime i do, i end up being the bad guy. Sometimes if there's a fault, i say it, maybe with the intention of helping the other party realize it, for he/she might not know what's been going on.

True maybe sometimes i can be harsh and might probably say things out of line, but most of the times with everyone, if there is something wrong, i voice it out cause i care. Friends who are just bumbing around, i advise them to maybe do something productive, friends with problems i tell them whats what... And i get the blame for pointing out their mistakes/faults?

Im not saying im perfect of anything, but most of the times, people dont tell me shit bout myself. So if i sometimes fuck up without knowing it and no one tells me, well i dont think all the blame should be push on me right...?

Im trying to be a good guy, trying to do whats right, take responsiblity for things and people around me. But everytime i do, well most of the time, i do something wrong.

Sometimes i feel like i've been taken advantage off, taken forgranted by people, even some of my closest friends... whos to blame? Them for taking my for granted, or me for letting them do so... Is it wrong to ask for a little appriciation. A good example would be with friends. Friends whome= i;ve known for several years! Just push my out of their lives, and one day, they'll come to me asking for something, for help and etc. And i think im just too stupid and too nice to give in to them. Am trying not to be such a nice guy and im trying to be a nice guy at the same time.

I've been trying to be someone else just so that everyone will be happy. WHen im myself, well things get fucked up... Shall i continue to satisfy others? hmm...

I;ve got something so great in my life now, and i honestly dont know why, but things are looking real fucked up now. No one knows bout whats going on now...

I've always hated being compared too or reffered too as someone else, espicially if its someone i dont really fancy. Lately i've been compared and reffered too countless times. Really thought i was different to you, someone special that had an impact in your life, a positive one... But it looks like im no different from anyone else. Im just another person to you, well today it kinda looks like it...

When i care, it makes you unhappy, when i dont care it makes you unhappy, when i dont know waht to do, im just useless. Wish i had a fucking manual for my life.

Its June, and things are looking real fucked up, and its only the first week of the month. Oh am leaving for Aus in July btw =) There are just too many things happening too fast. Am feeling pressured so much by so many people. Especially my parents, whom compare me with the extended family.

I dont want no fucking party this year only because i dont see it as something that special for whatever reason. Thinking that life's been pretty good lately? Well guess nothing really lasts forever. But im still determined to make certain things last FOREVER! Anways, i dont want a party cause to me, it just looks like another day going by. So... yea... Just another day.

Maybe thats why i;ve been argueing alot, maybe its my fault that i;ve been the cause of all these problems. Maybe cause im just pressured and frustrated from the pressure, that im taking it out on arguements, every small thing. When i do, people get angry. Sometimes it feels as if i have no rights to be mad or show my unhappiness. Maybe i should REALLY FUCKING learn to keep things to myself and shut my mouth. Had learnt a lesson early this month, and the lesson of the month for me is "Just keep my mouth shut and dont fight back, cause by just taking whatever is thrown at you, everyone can just be happy." And its looking like thats a real lesson there cause when i voice out a problem it turns ugly...

Everything i do, i say, i think, there is a reason for all these. I dont do things just out of randomness. There is a reason for everything i do.

You say you want space, fine, i'll give you all the space you need. I'll back off. Take as much space as you like, forget bout me for a while, maybe a week or something. Take all the time you need with all the space you have. I'll just wait for the green light when i can take away that space to be close with you again. Just hope that this "space" is nothing more than just space...

No one reads this anyways, no one knows bout this stupid sad lame blog anyways. And if the intended individual does not read this, well then i guess some of the messages above is just, well... just sad.... =,=

Am fucking up the one thing that's so great in my life, and im not sure why im doing so... have a car just smash into me...!!!

I dont know man, dont even know what im saying anymore. People say that sometimes when you;ve got a problem, you should talk it out and it, for some reason, feels better. Well i dont really have anyone to talk too right now bout my situation, so just talking it out here is just an alternative i guess. i know... SAD again... THis blog is like my therapist for free.

You know i'll always be there for you. Just because i complain bout certain things bout you, does not mean anything. Does not mean i love you less, or stop loving you. Im human, and i do get angry sometimes, and when im angry i react in an angry manner just like everyone else.!

Its 3 in the fucking morning and i dont feel like sleeping, have nothing to do right now but just think... Fuck man... Kinda feel like just floating around in a pool, looking up in the sky and just think of nothing. Just relax, take a break from all this hot air all around me.

If people complain bout things a number of times, normally means theres something wrong, thus something should be done bout it. I know people have been complaining bout several things, like my temper, my disiplin, my responsibilities and etc. I am doing something bout it, but one by one, one at a time. Fuck man am just crapping here now... Dont know what 'space' means... Cant really figure it out...

Tell me you want space, and you say thanks... Whats that suppose to mean?? Cant get that out of my mind right now... all i can think of right now is nobody else but you...

Like i've said, i'll always be there right by your side, always. But now you pushed my away just so that you can have your space, thats fine. I dont know how much space you need, and how far you wanna push me away and how long you want that space between us. Just hope that its not too long, and that you'll get back to me when you've had enough space, enough time for yourself...

Love you...