My life

21

2010-06-10T06:37:00.002+08:00

How time flies. Before you know, 21 years has just gone by just like that. Ams till up at this hour cause i cant sleep. Load of stuff on my mind. Its like 7am now, and im pretty sure i've got a long day ahead of me. But there's so mant things coming up in my mind.

For starters, things that had happened last year. Last year was a pretty shitty year, and i still remember my birthday last year and i can promise you it was nothing close to how awesome this year's bday went! All i can remember bout my bday last year was that i went out with Bec to get a shirt. Nothing fancy, nothing much to really shout about. But when compared to this year... WOW! A totally big difference. My girl... She's been practically the best thing that's happened to me!! Im so happy now that im with her, NO! MORE THAN HAPPY!

This year, for my bday, she went through so much just for me. No one has ever done that before for me! My last post was a real fucked up one, but that was only because of Abbie. She made me feel so upset bout everything! And why? Just so that she can supprise me. And i have to give her credit for going through all that just for me. Thanks b! To the extend that i broke down completly, but with the idea of supprising me, im just so thankful.

She planned with the guys to freaking kidnap me from my room, and take me to some random place to bday bash me. I was tied up, blind folded, make a cake out of me, watered and a little roughing... but it was all worth it because all my close friends were there! Am a little bumbed cause Abbie, you had to leave so early. But i totally understand. Still love you!

King ji
Mischa
J|n
Ivan
Justin
Jessie
Lavonne
And my favorite, ABBIE WONG!!!

Thanks for being a part of my 21st bday!

Right now im so thankfull for everything thats been happening to me in the past and now. Im 21 years old now, "officially" an adult. There ars just so many things happening and its all happening so fast. Am not sure if im able to cope with everything thats going on.

I'll be leaving for Aus in about a month from now, and i have a shit load of things to take care off...

Not sure why im a little moody, maybe its just cause i dont wanna grow up just yet. Dont get me wrong, i really am happy bout things that are going on now, its all so new, interesting and freaking awesome! But still... there are things that still bother me a little...

Expectations...
At this age, many people expect alot from you. Especially my family, as the oldest, im expected to do way more to contribute and set an example. I dont think i have done very much for even myself. In other words, im 21 now and i haven't yet done anything great with my life. Hmph... Even im expecting more from myself.

Honestly right now, im just so thankfull to have friends like the ones i have. Friends who have been there for me all the while, when i was my lowest and highest, they were always there. If i needed money they were there, when i need a shoulder to cry they were there, when i was troubled they were there to lend a hand however they could. I really thank God for the people in my life right now. Those who have helped me to become the person i am today. Am not very proud of myself right now, but i know that with people like these in my life, im ganna be the best i can be!

Abbie, thanks for helping me out all the time and always being there for me. Im sorry for always finding fault in you, and throwing it at you. I will try to change my old habbits and make new ones, ones that will make you happy and proud. You have no idea how happy and thankfull i am, that God has brought you into my life. And the best part is, you're all mine. And i promise that im ganna love you till the end of time!

Dont care what others say bout the things i say here. You think im sad or pathetic saying this like this? Well, you dont have someone so great in your life like i do, so you can fuck off again, again and another fucking time AGAIN!

There are just so many things right now i need to take care off, and i'd better make sure i become a better guy. For starters, i think i'll just try to mature a little faster and be more responsible with my life.

Thanks to my family who took the time to usher in my bday. Roughly 21 years and 7 hours ago, that was the day and time i was born. Now 21 years later, here i am. I wanna make you proud mom and dad. Only because you have done so much for me, like EVERYTHING SINCE THE DAY I WAS BORN!!!!

Again, thank you all those who helped out with the supprise, contributed and attended the supprise. Was really touched, but i tunjuk macho a bit =p
Oh and thanks for the present mom and dad +D Its a really cool present!

And to my girl...

I love you again, again and another freaking AGAIN!!!!

blame

2010-06-08T02:32:00.002+08:00

Whos to blame? It looks like lately i've been being a real pain in the fucking ass. Always complaining bout something, and looks like i've been finding all sorts of reasons to argue. Have i always been like that? In the years before? I dont remember arguing so much with anyone before. hmm.. Cant really figure out why i've been like this...

All i can say is, if there is no problem i wouldn't say or complain bout anything, which i think is reasonable for me to say. I guess im probably more sensitive to things, but can anyone blame me for being the way i am? I mean if something is bothering me i'd voice it out. But everytime i do, i end up being the bad guy. Sometimes if there's a fault, i say it, maybe with the intention of helping the other party realize it, for he/she might not know what's been going on.

True maybe sometimes i can be harsh and might probably say things out of line, but most of the times with everyone, if there is something wrong, i voice it out cause i care. Friends who are just bumbing around, i advise them to maybe do something productive, friends with problems i tell them whats what... And i get the blame for pointing out their mistakes/faults?

Im not saying im perfect of anything, but most of the times, people dont tell me shit bout myself. So if i sometimes fuck up without knowing it and no one tells me, well i dont think all the blame should be push on me right...?

Im trying to be a good guy, trying to do whats right, take responsiblity for things and people around me. But everytime i do, well most of the time, i do something wrong.

Sometimes i feel like i've been taken advantage off, taken forgranted by people, even some of my closest friends... whos to blame? Them for taking my for granted, or me for letting them do so... Is it wrong to ask for a little appriciation. A good example would be with friends. Friends whome= i;ve known for several years! Just push my out of their lives, and one day, they'll come to me asking for something, for help and etc. And i think im just too stupid and too nice to give in to them. Am trying not to be such a nice guy and im trying to be a nice guy at the same time.

I've been trying to be someone else just so that everyone will be happy. WHen im myself, well things get fucked up... Shall i continue to satisfy others? hmm...

I;ve got something so great in my life now, and i honestly dont know why, but things are looking real fucked up now. No one knows bout whats going on now...

I've always hated being compared too or reffered too as someone else, espicially if its someone i dont really fancy. Lately i've been compared and reffered too countless times. Really thought i was different to you, someone special that had an impact in your life, a positive one... But it looks like im no different from anyone else. Im just another person to you, well today it kinda looks like it...

When i care, it makes you unhappy, when i dont care it makes you unhappy, when i dont know waht to do, im just useless. Wish i had a fucking manual for my life.

Its June, and things are looking real fucked up, and its only the first week of the month. Oh am leaving for Aus in July btw =) There are just too many things happening too fast. Am feeling pressured so much by so many people. Especially my parents, whom compare me with the extended family.

I dont want no fucking party this year only because i dont see it as something that special for whatever reason. Thinking that life's been pretty good lately? Well guess nothing really lasts forever. But im still determined to make certain things last FOREVER! Anways, i dont want a party cause to me, it just looks like another day going by. So... yea... Just another day.

Maybe thats why i;ve been argueing alot, maybe its my fault that i;ve been the cause of all these problems. Maybe cause im just pressured and frustrated from the pressure, that im taking it out on arguements, every small thing. When i do, people get angry. Sometimes it feels as if i have no rights to be mad or show my unhappiness. Maybe i should REALLY FUCKING learn to keep things to myself and shut my mouth. Had learnt a lesson early this month, and the lesson of the month for me is "Just keep my mouth shut and dont fight back, cause by just taking whatever is thrown at you, everyone can just be happy." And its looking like thats a real lesson there cause when i voice out a problem it turns ugly...

Everything i do, i say, i think, there is a reason for all these. I dont do things just out of randomness. There is a reason for everything i do.

You say you want space, fine, i'll give you all the space you need. I'll back off. Take as much space as you like, forget bout me for a while, maybe a week or something. Take all the time you need with all the space you have. I'll just wait for the green light when i can take away that space to be close with you again. Just hope that this "space" is nothing more than just space...

No one reads this anyways, no one knows bout this stupid sad lame blog anyways. And if the intended individual does not read this, well then i guess some of the messages above is just, well... just sad.... =,=

Am fucking up the one thing that's so great in my life, and im not sure why im doing so... have a car just smash into me...!!!

I dont know man, dont even know what im saying anymore. People say that sometimes when you;ve got a problem, you should talk it out and it, for some reason, feels better. Well i dont really have anyone to talk too right now bout my situation, so just talking it out here is just an alternative i guess. i know... SAD again... THis blog is like my therapist for free.

You know i'll always be there for you. Just because i complain bout certain things bout you, does not mean anything. Does not mean i love you less, or stop loving you. Im human, and i do get angry sometimes, and when im angry i react in an angry manner just like everyone else.!

Its 3 in the fucking morning and i dont feel like sleeping, have nothing to do right now but just think... Fuck man... Kinda feel like just floating around in a pool, looking up in the sky and just think of nothing. Just relax, take a break from all this hot air all around me.

If people complain bout things a number of times, normally means theres something wrong, thus something should be done bout it. I know people have been complaining bout several things, like my temper, my disiplin, my responsibilities and etc. I am doing something bout it, but one by one, one at a time. Fuck man am just crapping here now... Dont know what 'space' means... Cant really figure it out...

Tell me you want space, and you say thanks... Whats that suppose to mean?? Cant get that out of my mind right now... all i can think of right now is nobody else but you...

Like i've said, i'll always be there right by your side, always. But now you pushed my away just so that you can have your space, thats fine. I dont know how much space you need, and how far you wanna push me away and how long you want that space between us. Just hope that its not too long, and that you'll get back to me when you've had enough space, enough time for yourself...

Love you...

Go figure...

2010-05-07T17:41:00.003+08:00

What i have done in the past i cannot change. What i CAN do is something about it. I've made some pretty bad decisions before and it looks like im paying for it now. For those who knew what i've went through last year, then you'll know what im talking about. And NO im not only talking bout my "love life", but im talking bout things in general.

Im admit im no perfect guy, or even close to anything perfect. Most of the time i dont think enough before i act or react to certain situations. Well i guess that's just the fucked up part bout me. I always try to please everyone, well at least "try" to give them what i want. Have always been doing that all my life, till it came a time when i started to realize..."Hey, what bout what i want?"

Before, whenever i could offer a helping hand, i'd do it. Most of the time it'll be for friends, and honestly i'd be MORE THAN HAPPY to help out! Most of the times.. lol. But still i do want to help out my friends however i can. To the extend that i put myself in such a situation that not only does it not benefit me, but fucks things up for me. I either do something wrong, or get scolding for it. Either way, i get into trouble, and thats just fucked up man...

About the past... I cannot erase the things i've done, but try to make the best out of it. Not only for my past, but for anyone else. If you've fucked up before, well try not to fuck up again! In mu situation, i dont think im doing a very good job trying to NOT fuck up things again. Its everything i think, do, say that's just wrong. Have made a million mistakes before and im trying to fix it. I dont believe in people saying "hey we'll just see what happens" when it comes to something rather important or serious. Hate being in the dark!

I was young, naive and foolish. Who i was before this is not the same person i am today. I dont want to be looked at as the guy i was before for i am not proud of who i was. In fact, im a little more proud of who i am today! And im moving forward with whatever i have left with me. Problem is, the past is always there. Right behind me, waiting to find a reaons, an excuse, a fucking chance to just ruin things.

Im sorry for the things i've done and said before. I did not know what or even who i was then. I was blinded, but now my eyes have been opened and i see clearly what is going on. Im moving on, there is no point crying over and over again over spilled milk. YOu fucked up? Cry it out, whine it out, shout it out if you have to, but get over it! Learn from your fucked upness and move on. Im trying to do that, but the fucking past keeps chasing me and just bites me in the ass!!

I dont know if its true or not, but i get the feeling that some important people in my life are giving up on me. Saying, "Oh, no worries there's always something/someone else..." I mean come on man! Even if its true, you dont have to go and say it out loud! I know im not perfect and im sorry for being who i am.

Im not blogging bout this for pity, for those who think im asking for your pity? Well fuck you over and over again! Im just saying whats going on. The title of this blog is My Life. Dont like what you've been reading? You are more than welcome to fuck off!

Instead of making you happy, i seem to be making your unhappiness out number the happy times. I just wanna be a better man, but everything i seem to do just seems wrong. I think i just need to grow up a lot more and a lot faster, cause this shit aint doin no body no good... FML...

GirlFriend...

2010-03-16T21:57:00.004+08:00

These are my girlfriend! Am more than happy with this chick! She's hot, pretty, cute, smart, awesome, hot, pretty, sexy, funny, awesome, smart, sexy and loads more!

Hearts you Abbie!

First post of 2010...

2010-02-28T23:21:00.001+08:00

Its kinda interesting how things in life can turn out far away from anything you expected. Its funny how things that seems so simple and fixed, can just turn itself inside out right before your very eyes and before you know it its too late to turn back? Yea life can sometimes be full of shit and there can be periods where there’s just nothing great bout life, but at the end of the day, there always seems to be a silver lining. You just gatta know where to look.

Last year was an extremely interesting year for me. New things came in life and old things in life, well some of it left. Im no longer depressed I can say proudly. Well at least no longer a sad pathetic little fuck anymore. I’ve matured in so many different ways, countless ways! Have had my eyes open to the reality of life by my best friend. And I thank her so much for her getting me out of a situation that I now see that if continued, I would regret. Or things wouldn’t have worked out…

Last year was a shitty year for me, and was really looking forward to this new year, 2010, thinking to myself that, “Ahh, a new year means I can start living a whole new me!!” But unfortunately its not how I expected this new year to start. But now settling down with the new me, Im defiantly happier than before. I’ve got my friends to thank for, that includes you best friend, for being there for me when I was down. They were always there to comfort me, listen to me whine, and just back me up when I needed help. I cant thank you people enough. Especially my best friend. =)

In fact I think I have a whole new understanding for life now. I now know that most of my life I’ll never have things done the way I want it or get what I want. Life can be a real bitch most of the time, but there’s no point crying over something that you’ve got absolutely no control over right? So what I’ve learnt is to bear with it, learn from it, and just move on with life, cause life waits for no one. I think I’ve become more real. Have been woken up from my fantasy and was hit hard by the harshness of reality. Im defiantly stronger than yesterday. Im going to push further and further in life and make sure I become what im suppose to become, and be whoever I wanna be. I aint ganna let know body change who I am. I am who I am and if people don’t like it, well that’s why too bad. You cant expect me to wear a mask forever right? So im just ganna be me.

Haiz… Lately I’ve been getting myself into a shit load of trouble. Parents been up my neck, some friends been real irritating, got myself into another accident, fml, 3rd accident in the past 3 months! Fuck this shit over and over fucking again , Basically just getting myself into trouble with every move I make,… *smacks on head*

Anyways, now I can say I think I have found the right one for me. She’s been in front of me for the past 3 years, and I was either too blind to see her or just been living in my fantasy world all this time. In my previous posts, I mentioned a girl, the girl of my dreams, and how in love I was with her. Well things change, people change, life changes… I was really willing to give up my whole world for her, but for whatever reason I got rejected by her, not once, but 3 times! She told me that she had feelings for me as well but does not want to be in a relationship with me… hmm… Go figure. Although I said all those things, like I said, my eyes have been open. Most of the time I’ve been wearing a mask in front of her and being my true self.

So now with this girl (girlfriend) I can be myself. The best thing bout this girl is that I really don’t have to do anything to try impress her! I don’t have to take her out on special dates, I don’t need to buy her gifts, I don’t need to do anything to make her want to like me! All I have to do is just be who I am and she fell for me. How much easier can things get? Lol. Jk. The point here is that I can just be myself. Now that’s something you don’t find in most girls. I can do whatever I please, as in go ta kei, shisha, club, party and just bout anything and she’s cool with it. Another attribute I so adore bout her is that she’s able to mingle with my friends. She’s not those kinda girls where they just sit there quietly and “observe” , saying “No la dear, I enjoy watching you..” I mean its kinda boring don’t you think… My girl, she gets herself involved!!!! She’s just comfortable with the people and places I hang with.

Come to think bout it, both of us have a tone of stuff in common. We’re practically the same people. I know it sounds weird and freaky, but she understands me so well. And I too understand her. We talk practically the same way, both loves a challenge, both are stupid enough to do stupid dares…. We even argue the same way… similar la….

This girl has made me laugh genuinely countless times! She’s also been one of the few people who helped me when I was down. She would come up with lame things to make me laugh, or at least put a smile on my face, she’d come all the way to my place just to make sure im doing alright, she’d even buy me strepsils just cause I had a cough.

I know im really in love with this girl, funny thing is, before we got together, we were both talking bout being players… haha! Damn stupid man those talks LMAO! She’s really an awesome girl and I wouldn’t give her up for anything the world has to offer me.

Have done and said numerous things to make her think bout our relationship to the extend that she cried, and im sorry. Am truly truly sorry for saying some of the things that I should not have said, reacting the way I reacted, or let you see even a little of my dark side I me. I promise that I’ll never let you see that side of me again. Promise…

She has really made me a happier guy. I know its weird for most people when they hear stories like this and say things like “what the hell? Its BennnnN!” or “ Yea right, Ben is just playing you…” Though things like this do cheese me off, I honestly couldn’t be bothered. Im happy with this girl and as long as I have her, its those fuckers who say things like that who are the losers!

Today, regardless of what people have to say, I’m more than happy and proud to say that

IM THE MONKEY THAT FELL FOR MY BEST FRIEND!!

I love you Abbie…

Guess you people finally proved me wrong...

2009-11-09T02:28:00.004+08:00

Don’t you just hate it when you try to prove something and you fail? Even when everyone you know keeps telling you that you’re wrong? We think that most of the time we know exactly what we’re up against, and that we’ll be able to take care of it. What’s worse is when you KNOW that things are not going to end up the way you want it to be, but you still preserver towards it. Sometimes you want it so badly that you’ll even kill for it. Well, shit happens… I know, I’ve tried...

All my close friends told me to give up. Telling me that it’s not going to work out and that she’ll patch things up again. They all saw it and kept warning me bout what kind of dead end lies at the end of this road. I told them that they were ALL WRONG! Honestly don’t know if my actions are considered good or just plain stupid.

There have been people I know that waited for that special someone for years. Not 1 or 2 years, but several years! And when they manage to get together whether its getting together or getting married, it just makes the wait more worth wild, know what I mean…?

Im not angry or mad with the people who warned me bout the kinda pain im going to end up with. Its nobody’s fault but mine. If I had just kept my face out of the photo from the very beginning, none of this would happened. You all say it with good intentions, and I respect and thank you for your concerns. But I just cant help myself. And congrats to all those who told me that its not going to work out! Cause you people got what you asked for. You guys finally proved me wrong

This year, I have learnt a very valuable lesson, what love really feels like. Not trying to sound gay or like a fag, but love cant be taught, it cant be read up in a book, not even the internet can tell you what love really is. To every individual, love is a complete different feeling. I know that im in love for sure. None of that puppy love bullshit.

It’s a feeling like no other, and this is my explanation of it. Take all the feelings you’ve had in your previous relationship, put it all together. The total feelings are not even close to a fraction of what I feel now for this girl. For those who have never been in a relationship, take the one thing you treasure the most, times that with infinity and it still not close to anything to what I feel. For anyone to know what love really is, they’d just have to find that special someone.

What can I say bout my current situation. She has no idea how I feel. And I cant bear to tell her how much I love her and how much pain it causes me knowing that the end has come. It’ll cause her so much sadness… Have thought of so many things to do with her, and now it looks like I wont be able to do most of them with her.

When I saw you, I was afraid to meet you.
When I met you, I was afraid to be close with you.
When I was close with you, I was afraid to tell you I love you.
Now that I’ve told you I love you, I’m afraid of losing you…

It’s crazy how we got close together. Its something that you’d NEVER see in the movies, Something that not many people experience, its just something so special what we had. I think so and she thinks so too. One minute we’d be arguing bout some really emo problems, and the next minute we’d be able to chat and laugh without feeling any awkwardness, and patch things up and continue chatting and laughing away. Its just so special. Its like lying down with the person you love so much with all your heart under a cloudless sky filled with stars, and just enjoying that beautiful moment. Its just breathless….

I don’t think I can ever stop loving her. The world wants me to stop; even she wants me to stop, all with good intentions. But how can I love another? There is never going to be another girl just like her. Yea there’d be better looking ones out there, smarter ones, but its not her. There is only one of her and I don’t want to stop loving her! Most of you by now might be thinking that im just being silly or just F**cking stupid for thinking like that.

But how can I expect anyone to truly understand how I feel when they dont know how much i really love her...

Life's a climb, but the view is great...

2009-08-29T00:41:00.003+08:00

Been watching all sorts of movies lately and i hate most of them! The guys in the movies just have it so easy! Why cant life be anything like that? The way these movie present themselves is crazy! The guy ALWAYS get the girl! If he fails to impress her, the girl will do the impressing to the guy and they end up together... Damn i wish i were in a movie now...

Recently i just watched Hannah Monatana. I know its lame, but just watched for fun. Turned out to be a pretty good movie. Well towards the end. There was a part in the movie where the guy said, "Life's a climb, but the view's great!". I guess that this is saying is that, life is a long road. And at the end of the road is what you desire. Its a long road and along the road, there are all sorts of things in the way, bumps, pot holes, mountains in the way...

Yes it may be though to cross the problems, it may hurt, it may be sad, But when you reach the end of the road, you just know that its ganna be worth 10 times more of all the trouble you went through before reaching the end. I know that in my situation is so worth everything that i've gone through and have yet to go through.

Im not ganna give up on this. Many have told me to give up and move on, i listen to them, but i choose not to follow them. People do stupid things when their in love. And im confident to say that im in love with this chick. I dont care what the world throws in front of me, all i know is that im not ganna let it block my way. One way or another, im ganna reach the end of my road.

Even if the end of the road turns out to have nothing there, im not ganna be angry or anything. Even after going through all the though times to reach there, its ganna be ok. Cause i'll just have to go all the way back and another road that leads to the SAME goal. Like i said, im not giving up on her.

Been a while since i've heard those words now... Miss hearing em i guess.. But you cant force these kinda things right? Wish i could hear em more...

Just being emo again...

FML...

2009-08-24T22:35:00.003+08:00

FML man. Life here is so full of disappointments. I dont know bout you, but i find it though to get what you want. Im fortunate enough to be born in a family that cares and nurture me. I guess you could say im well groomed and pretty well off. I appreciate all the things that i have right now and im thankful for them.

I get everything i need. Im not complaining bout that. Its what i WANT that's the problem. There are a whole load of things that i want but cant really get. I know people say that if you work for it, you'll get it. I have been trying my best with this, but things dont always turn out the way you plan for it. Its a lot easier said than done.

Right now, if i could start my life all over again, like in the movie 17 Again, i would choose to go back to form 1, age 13. If only i could re-do the last 7 years of my life, i would!! Sad to say, there's no such thing. Well i guess that just sucks for everyone who wants to start over.

But i have an alternative plan. I plan to go to Aus next year to continue my studies. I'll be finishing up my course of 2 more years there. Its ganna be an awesome experience, ganna learn new things, meet new people and stuff. Of all the things that i'll go through there, what im most happy bout is that i can start over.

Once there, i can be whoever i want, whatever i wanna be and no one can judge me. Here people know me, they know what im like, they know my character. I dont know... I just think that with a new life there in Aus, life would be a lot easier. I can adapt to life there.

Hate myself here. Hate what im like, hate the problems i've gone through. All the sad memories and just basically everything thats unhappy here. Once there, i dont have to worry bout anything that i've gone through in the past. I'll be able to create a whole new me.

I've told myself now, that if things dont work out the way i want it to by the end of this year, Im most likely not ganna get another chance, which is true. But im not giving up. PERSEVERE!! Thats what im ganna do! Like i said, i want to be a different guy when im there. Not only in terms of my social life, but in every part of my life.

Not sure what im really talking bout here either... Things right now just suck for me. There are some good times i get to enjoy if im lucky, but there are more bad times than good unfortunately. So im just looking forward to begin a whole new life and hope for the best in the years to come...

You should never, i repeat, NEVER, give up on your dreams. No matter how ridiculous they may seem, dont give up. This is a message to all those who read this.

Never back down...

Still that asshole i guess...

2009-08-23T22:42:00.002+08:00

Have said it before many times in the past and in some of my last few post, I dont wanna be that asshole who screws up an already perfect relationship for my benefit. Kept telling myself to stay out of dangerous waters, dont go getting myself into trouble, dont try the impossible. Have told myself all these things, and yet i still get myself into it. How can i explain my actions, when you feel it, you just feel it you know? There are no words to explain how i feel now.

Have told myself whats ganna happen within the next few months already and have been reminding myself several times a day. When that time comes, just let it come and be normal. But it kinda came a little early than expected and it feels like a bitch.

I've never tried so hard for anyone before. Some friends of mine know my situation and when i asked them if they do what i do, they'd all say HELL NO! If i dont get her within a week or two im out of the game. Well i've been in this game for a few months now. And there have been both ups and downs. When the times are up, its really up. But when its down, it can hurt so badly.

A really close friend of mine told me from the beginning that i should just quit, its not worth the pain if things go bad. But i refused to listen to him! What he explained to me was not wrong and made a load of sense, and i still refused to listen.

Its it just a crush? Is it puppy love? Can i say im in love?

I got told off once by her, bout loving her. She told me that i did not know the meaning of love. She said the Bible explains what love is and what i feel may not be love and im saying it without knowing what it means. So i checked up on it on the internet. (dont have a bible)

1 Corinthians 13
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

What you see in the paragraph above is what the Bible says about love. After reading this i started to think if what i really felt for was really love. To me this verse bout love is like a guide line. So i checked myself if i was anything close to following these guide lines.

I feel that i've been patient with her, i've been kinda. I dont envy her, nor do i boast bout her, and i do not show her off. I dont think i;v;e been rude, and probably not self-seaking. Im not easily angered even thought some of the things she does can really piss a guy off, and i keep no record of wrongs. Whatever she has done in the past i choose to leave it in the past and focus on her and the future. And im very sure i do NOT delight in evil and im happy knowing the truth. I do protect her, i do trust her and im still hoping with everything i've got.

The last part of this verse is "Love always perseveres." From my understanding, persevere means to keep going for it and never giving up. This is the last guide line that i cant tick yet. Am i persevering? I know im trying my heart out with this. Prob is that only time will tell if im persevering or not.

To many, what i feel for her may not be love. But i know that i really have strong feelings for her. Its nothing like i've ever felt before. You can take all my last relationships and put all the feelings in those relationship together and it might be only a fraction of what im feeling for her now.

I know i love her with all my heart. For her, i will really go to the ends of the world. I've never done anything for her because i had too. When help was needed, i did not help out cause i needed to. I help out because i wanted too. And i did it all with a smile. There have been times when she would say things to me that were sharp enough to slice through the toughest material, and most people would just quit, but i did not. I kept going. I kept trying.

Everyone who knows my situation have told me to quit, move on, there's plenty of fish in the sea, you'll find someone better. I dont believe these things. I mean why should i? I love her and thats all that matters. I love with with every beat of my heart. She does not have to love me back if she does not want too. But whatever the case is, i know that i'll never find anyone like her for the rest of my life. This is the one thing bout my future that i know.

How often does a guy get to find a girl, no, not just a girl, but THE girl of their dreams huh? How often do the heavens drop down an angel into your life? How FUCKING often do you meet the perfect person in your eyes only? HOW OFTEN??? Things like these do NOT happen everyday, and no guy, no matter how good you are with the ladies can choose when this girl would come up in your life. I dont care who you are, dont come and fucking tell me that, " Oh, dont worry, you'll find someone else whos better."

I know that there are loads of fish in the sea and i know that there are other ladies out there who are better than her in every way. Thing is i dont want another girl who's like her, i dont want someone else even if their better than her. I want her. I fell in love with not only with all the good things bout her, but even the bad things. I dont want anyone else no matter how much better they are.

If only she knew what and how i feel bout her. If only she could see my feelings. I dont know how much this guy loves her, but i know that i love her more and i'll always love her.

Like 1 Corinthians 13 says, Love perseveres. And the only way for me to check that, is with time. So far i think i've been doing a good job with it, just dont think its anywhere close to enough yet.

What to do... Guess im still that dumb ass who is in love with the impossible and doesn't what to give up...

8 years...

2009-05-10T02:26:00.002+08:00

Damn! Its been 8 long years since i have really talked with this girl! How time flies with a snap of a finger. I still remember the first time i saw her, its as if it was only yesterday. Was only 12 back then when i had my first crush. Cute huh, haha! Anyways its been 8 years since the last time i had any activities with her, and screw you its nothing naughty!

First time i saw her was during my first church camp (ISCA CAMP), and i was like "WOW! Who is that pretty girl over there?" Got a friend to introduce her to me, =D lucky me hee~! Through out the whole 5 days of the camp, i had my eye on her, at the same time paying attention to all the activities and services being held, lol. That was also the first time i play bball. The last night of the camp, i had a chance to play bball with her, well not with her, but against her. I had fun playing bball with her, lol. When we had the ball she would be marking me and when they had the ball, well i need not say more =p. The rule on the last night was that the campers were not allow to sleep!!! We played ball till like 5 in the morning, and by that time all the stores were all closed, and it just so happened that i was feeling hungry. As a 12 year old, or a small kid, i started to make noise bout being hungry and all. She came to me and asked me if i wanted a bite to eat, and i was like YES YES, FEED ME! She laughed and told me to hang on a sec while she went back to her room to grab a chocolate bar, and just so you know, her room was all the way across the court and was on the second floor! Within 5 mins, she came back with the chocolate bar and gave to me. And the way she explained my reaction to me was that it was one of the cutest thing she had ever seen! She told me that i was so happy just to have that little snack! Plus that was first time that someone had ever been so damn freaking nice to me, other than family members. Since that snack time, i already had a huge crush on her.

As the years went by, i continued attending the church services, just to have see her lol. Dont get me wrong, yes at first i went there just to have that 2 hours of admiring her, but the later years i went there to attend the services, back then known as ISCA. At the back of my mind, i had always imagined what it would be like to be her bf. How can i describe this girl...? Hmm... CLOSE TO PERFECT! And i shit you not! She is such a nice young lady not only to me, but to everyone!

Recently she came back to M'sia, to settle some things. And i had not seen her for at least 4/5 years. Got to know she came back and started chattin with her, catching up on life and stuff... Was invited to her place for a function bout a week ago, and even after all these years, she still had that awesome pretty look and still had the perfect personality. Had the chance to go out with her and hang out.

In my last few posts, i mentioned that i wanted to change my personality, becoming a bad ass, not wanting to be who i am, dont wanna to so nice, sweet, caring and etc. But the fact is, you cant really change who you are. You are who you are no matter what. You can try to change, but in the last 3 months, i have failed to do so. Being a nice, sweet, caring guy is who/what i am!

And as some of you know, im kinda known for my sweet talking. Im do not claim it, i was told it! Anyways, being a sweet talker is not all that good. I managed to sorta kinda maybe created some chemistry with this girl. And she already has a bf, they have been together for more than a year now. And i dont wanna be the asshole to screw up their relationship for my benefit. Yes i do have feelings for her, but i have told myself that since im sure that i dont wanna be that asshole, the most i wanna do is at least be one of her good friends, which i hope i have become... A small part of me is still hoping that one day i might get what i want, but if not, i guess im cool with just being her friend.

The past few days hanging out with her had been some of the best days this year. Yes i have been going through some though times this year, but with these few outings, you have really made me feel alot better. I have really enjoyed myself hanging out with her, not because i have feelings for her or anything, but more because she is just a really cool friend! And she told me that i have been one of her close friends since she came back to M'sia. =D

Just today i went over to her place to chill, and it so happens that her mum and her bro were home and wanted to take her out to get some stuff. At first I was kinda like, “Errr….?” Should I follow or should I just leave…? Well in the end I tagged along wit her. This was also a chance for me to hanging out with her and maybe get to know her a little more, however that works… At first I was kinda nervous cause I don’t normally go out with a friends mum when their doing their shopping. She kept asking me if I was ok, maybe cause I was also looking kinda nervous. Honestly, I did not have the heart to tell her no I was not ok, that would only make her feel bad. As the day went by, this were going alright, but towards the end of the outing, I started to feel a negative vibe coming from her mum and bro. Don’t know if its just me or what…. But I decided that after that I would just head home. But I did not regret going tagging along cause I got to kinda “shop” with her, lol.

Im a nice guy, maybe a little too nice, or maybe just plain damn freaking nice… She told me not to be too nice to her all the time cause she was getting a little confused with some of the things I’ve said to her and had done for her. In all honesty, I just wanted to be there for you. She told me that she had started questioning her loyalty. Again I did not want to be that asshole, so I told her, “If you are feeling uncomfortable with me, I will back off from you life so that you wont feel so uncomfortable.” She said she did not want me to do so. I mean I really do like her a lot, but I don’t wanna get in the way of anything.

Right now she is having some conflict with her bf, and im freaking worried now if it was me who caused all this conflict. If its cause of me, im so sorry, just says the word and I’ll back off! Am not sure if its me who caused the problem, but I cant help but feel that way. I don’t want her to have her heart broken cause of me. Asked a close friend for some advise, (screw you, I just wanted to know what was the right thing to do!) he told me that if I really like her, I would not force my way in to anything and if it’s really to be then, just give it time.

Argh! Im not sure what im saying now… All I know is that im not feelin too good bout myself now. I not only really like her, but also really like her as a friend.

!@#$%^&*()

If she happens to come across post, Im sorry if I had done things to confuse your feelings and clouding your thoughts… As I’ve said many times, if you are not comfortable with me, please please tell me so that I can back off.

Am not sure what to do… She is going through a really though time, and me being the one who wants to be there for her, am I making it tougher? Am I causing more problems for you? I don’t wanna be! Back off? Stay? I don’t know! This is really killing me. After getting those negative vibes, im feeling so messed up…

Whatever your decision is, I will respect it. Whether if its you wanting me to back off from your life, or for me to continue to be what I am in your eyes now, or anything. I will respect that.

Sorry for the mixed emotions…

Friendship & Trust...

2009-04-20T21:06:00.004+08:00

Something I don’t understand about people, including myself. Why tell people something personal, and then tell them not to tell anybody bout it? I just don’t get it. I mean we live in a world where the people in it just can’t be trusted, well at least most of them can’t be trusted. Just does not make any sense. Plus if you think about it, its just stupid right... 1st person will tell 2nd person something and tell them not to tell anyone, 2nd person will then tell 3rd person the story and tell them not to tell anyone, then 3rd person tells 4th person the story and tells them not to tell anyone and it goes on and on. The fucked up part bout these chain stories is that somewhere along the chain the story will be changed or something new will be added in it or the something will be left out. By the time it reaches the 6th person, the story will be something so different from what the first person told the second person. I fucking hate shit like this!

Not to say that i have not done so myself, but when someone tells me to really promise not to tell a soul bout this cause it can ruin a friendship or create a problem, I will really keep it to myself as promised. I admit to those reading this that i have exposed some things that i should have kept to myself. But the things i have told, i made sure that i had a good reason to do so. If I feel that a friend of mine should know about it, then i will tell them. And once i have don’t so, I am prepared to fucking accept consequences when it comes. If the friend comes after me for exposing the secret, i will not fight back with him/her but explain to them why i did it, and hope that they understand.

I have been in situations, yes there is a fucking "S" there, where i told things to people and made them promise not to tell anyone and yet they still tell. Is it karma? Well if it is then it just fucks to be me. But when i confront them bout breaking that promise i had with them, they have the fucking guts to scold me and tell me off saying that its for my own good. I mean, WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCKED UP MOTHER FUCKING FUCK? Come on man, you fuck me up and you still dare tell me off? Thank God that I'm a forgiving guy, which I fucking am for those who don’t believe.

But back then i would always forgive and the next day i will be talking and chatting with them like nothing happened. Well, like i said it was back then. Since the last 2/3 months, for those who have been with me, they know that i have had a change in me. I'm no longer the same happy go lucky that i have been in the past. This change did not really come all by itself, its more like I decided to have a change in me. Would like to kick off that too happy guy and bring out my darker side. Sounds stupid, I know…I feel that people tend to take me for granted due to my “anything or whatever” attitude. But no more shall you people have the benefit of having that guy around anymore. Now its very simple with me, you do something I don’t like, I’ll tell it to you in your face. You piss me off, I’ll tell you off. If you FUCKING piss me off, I’ll fuck you up. Am no longer the forgiving guy I used to be. Unless there is a proper/valid reason for me to forgive you, then I might just think about it. People who think they are better than me? Well, good for you and fuck you.

I feel as if I am able to relate to this picture, its time for the darker side of me to rise…

Now I'm a single guy who probably have no intentions of getting into any relationship anytime soon, and I’m very certain of myself that I would never go for another guys girl. Yes, this paragraph is for you, you fucking shit. I really don’t care about what whoever thinks about this. Dude if I wanted to take your girl from you, I would have fucking done it a long time ago you shit. And honestly, you do not intimidate me. You think with your small stunt you surprise me? Pathetic! You don’t even have the balls to tell me your reason. You practically fucked me up at a fucked up timing.

I feel that I should keep my distance from you for all the reasons you already know. Sorry if I have been a problem to you and your bf, but I feel that its time to choose a side or a party to be in. And I think I already know the answer. So from now, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be so close anymore. Its not because I'm afraid of anything, but its just that I'm not bothered to play this little game of who has the bigger balls and what not.

And what about the secrets? Well, I guess its time to look for the people I can REALLY trust. I already know a few and those few whom have kept my stories to themselves, well, a very big thank you and I hope that our friendship will continue to grow as time goes.

Word of advice before sharing a secret,
1. Choose your friend carefully
2. Study the person if he/she can be trusted
3. Make sure that whatever the secret is, you have a plan B in case it comes out
4. Tell your story clearly (If not it might be changed if its told to the next party.)

And with that I have concluded what I have learnt about FRIENDSHIP AND TRUST....

In need of some motivation...

2009-04-13T23:34:00.002+08:00

Finals coming in the next 2 weeks and im seriously not prepared... Damnit man i need something to motivate me so that i can get the ball rolling, if not im ganna have to freaking resit for another paper... Been kinda stressed out for the past week due to my studies. Have grounded myself untill the end of finals, with the intention to study, but i always seem to end up doing other things. Too many distractions in life man. Friends, internet, mobilephones, guitar, cards, movies and a shit load of other stuff. Need to get my head in the game!!! Gatta get focused before its too late. I have roughly 2 weeks, 14 days to study 3 subjects. The worst part is that all 3 subjects im taking this sem are reading subjects... Macro, Management and Marketing.

Right now... it really sucks to be me.. =(

Thinkin of the past... time for a change maybe

2009-04-01T21:07:00.004+08:00

Like the title says, thinking of the past and a time for a change. I think i would like to change my personality, or at least become a better person. The last time i tried to do that i was given the name Mr. Cool. I guess it was cause i wanted to be the kinda guy with the "cool" attitude. lol Biggest joke of the year! But seriously, i really feel that i have changed a little. The year 2009 has not been a very kind one to me so far, and im kinda expecting it to continue through out the rest of the year... The Benjamin that everyone used to know, im ganna remove parts of him (personality here people!!!) and replace him with something new, different, and maybe cooler. I can say that i used to be a happy-go-lucky kinda guy and always smiling cracking up lame jokes just to try to put a smile of peoples face or do crazy stupid things to create the entertainment, yea i know some friends enjoy it or like the way i was. Although i feel happy making my friends smile and laugh, i did not feel that i was getting much respect from some of these friends of mine. Not to say that i have to be respected, but as in taken advantage kinda feeling. You know sometimes in a group of friends, there is normally one person out of the group that gets picked on the most? Bullied, and other stuff like that? Well.. I felt that i was that "guy". Nobody likes to feel this way, and i HELL dont wanna fucking feel this way anymore. So i have decided that probably a change in my personality or attitude might just do the trick and if i play my cards right,i just might be a stronger guy.

I have been told by many friends that im a player, a flirt, the "ladiesman" and etc. When i used to go to church, i was know as the guy who flirts the most in the church, even the pastor knew about it and everyone and then warns me not to disturb the girls.=.=. Yes i was like wtf... Anyways, for that part of my life i did enjoy the company of the ladies. I did enjoy getting to know the ladies. Most of my friends say every chick i meet i would flirt with them... Well you're not right, nor are you wrong. Sounds stupid, but i have to definitions of the word "flirt". To me, there is a flirt to know the girl, and the flirt to get the girl. Success rate of both types of flirt < 10%. Sometimes when im not with the company of any girls, i would feel kinda sad and would want to look for some chicks to get to know. But lately in the past few months, not every girl are what they seem to tell you bout themselves. People say that a man would do/say anything for/to a lady, that might be true, but i have recently found out that there are a number of girls that are just like guys. They would say anything to get your attention!!!

Just found out that im the type of guy that girls like to get close too just for a little bit of attention. I tell my girl friends that if they every need a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen or just someone to talk to, im there for them. But some of these girls take advantage of me! They would share their problems with me ( no biggie) then get really really close with me, some of them showing signs, then just FUCK me up! I mean im a guy ok. A girl showing me attention, getting close with me, giving me signs is something big for a guy, well most guys. After that, when they are back to their normalselves they just screw you over. I dont feel appriciated by most of these people. Women, cant live with them, cant live without them.

I dont want to a ladies man anymore, or at least for now, i dont want to be a flirt, i dont want to be a player. I mean think about it guys, life is not all about chicks. I have decide to try to keep my mind on 2 things. First would be my studies and second would be to get a good body =P Then maybe one day later in the future i would start all this bullshit bout flirting again haha. The body then would be a big help =D

Am not pissed with the girls that fucked me over. Though one or two of those situations nearly got me in to shit. But its ok, im cool with it. Like most of you know, im a forgiving guy =) Just a simply word would do the magic!!

We'll see how well this transformation of mine be... Hopefully i become a better person, maybe even a better friend.

just wanting to be a cooler guy....

Mother fucking DIUtion center, Raj tuition part 2

2009-03-22T23:39:00.001+08:00

Dear reader,

For those who do not know who I am, it is not important. What is important is the content of this document. Read it and understand what this man has been doing to students and the respect he gives to parents who are paying them RM350-RM500 a month for 4/5 subjects.

Before today 2nd son was planning to quit Mr. Raj tuition center for he had difficulties coping with the shit load of work there and just recently had quit. Earlier today Mother and 3rd son together with a friend of his went to Mr. Raj tuition center to show their report card to the teachers. Before Mother could even explain why 2nd son had decided to quit, Mr. Raj told Mother that he had already made a decision. That decision was to sack 3rd son from the tuition center. Just because 2nd son decided that he wanted to quit the tuition center, Mr. Raj took the liberty get rid of the whole family (3rd son) who goes there for tuition. Mother wanted to collect back her deposit of RM350, but was told to leave and come back at 7. I mean, come on man, you just kicked her son out of the tuition center and you can’t even just take your wallet out to return the RM350 deposit? How fucking dumb can you get? Anyways, Mother went home after that without the deposit. When Mother got home, 1st son just came home. Mother told 1st son what had happened earlier before Mother got home. 1st son told Mother to go and collect the deposit on the spot together with 1st son. Reached Mr. Raj tuition center, Mr. Raj was nice enough to come and return the RM350 deposit in person. Mother asked for the deposit balance of 2nd son because he had not attended many classes for this month yet. Mr. Raj said “NO” because he missed today’s class and was considered absence. So to Mother it was fine, not that big of a deal. So Mother told Mr. Raj that it was so unreasonable and unfair for him to sack 3rd bother who has done nothing wrong. Mr. Raj replied that that was the way he wanted to run his tuition center. By kicking out students whose siblings left. Seriously what the fuck is this bullshit act from an 80+ year old man? GROW THE FUCK UP! Instead of giving a reasonable explanation, he started raising his voice at Mother, 1st son told him not to raise his voice, but was told by the old fuck to SHUT UP and wanted to throw a wooden chair at 1st son but stopped by Ms. Brahma (1st son was a student there, 2003). This all took place in the living room where a class of form 2 students were seated, they ALL could hear every word from the “conversation” in the next room. Mother yelling, 1st son yelling, old fuck yelling, finally Mother and 1st son left. Couple hours later, at Raj DIU-TION center, Mr. Raj was teaching a form 4 class where he talked about what happened earlier in the evening. He told the form 4 class that the reason why 2nd son left was not because he was not able to cope (which was the true story), he told them that Mother pulled him out because Mother thinks that Mr. Raj can’t teach ( which is totally not fucking true). Daughter of Mother’s friend told Mother about this. Being rude to a parent is one thing, but to lie to the students? How can you come up with this stupid, dumb, retarded bullshit? Mr. Raj is an 80+ year old man with two daughters, Ms. Dave and Ms. Brahma. Even the daughters can agree with the old man about sacking students for the reason that one of their siblings quit. COME ON! Both daughters are grown women who have brains to think! USE THOSE FUCKING THINGS! Is this really reasonable? Personally I think that the whole family needs some, no, not just some. Even a little bit of common sense would do them wonders in improving their lifestyle, I mean the rest of the world….

-end-

Mother fucking DIUtion center, Raj tuition part 1

2009-03-22T23:31:00.002+08:00

Dear reader,

For those who do not know who I am, it is not important. What is important is the content of this document. Read it and understand what this man, a.k.a Mr. Raj, has been doing to students and the respect he gives to parents who are paying them RM350-RM500 a month for 4/5 subjects.

Once a year the students of Mr. Raj tuition center would celebrate Mr. Raj birthday. Students would either buy him a cake, a small present or something. This year (2008), Mr. Raj’s birthday was celebrate at The Royal Lake Club, where current students and ex-students turned up to celebrate the birthday of their tuition teacher. For this birthday party, the students decided to have a small play/performance for the old fuck. Everyone at the party were having a blast and enjoying themselves and were just happy. Until the next class at Mr. Raj DIU-TION center, where Student X was called out to the front of the class for a scolding, IN FRONT OF THE FUCKING CLASS!

The way these teachers punish the students is by making them do corrections of their mistakes normally in tests and quizzes. Students were required to write a certain amount of corrections (re-write all corrections). If a student gets about 90%, he/she would have to do 1x correction, if there student were to get lower than 50%, he/she would have to write about 7/8/9x correction, which if you ask me is kind of a waste of time.

Ms. Dave told Student X that he/she was required to write 5000 words of correction. 5000 fucking words!!! WTMFFFUF?? And it’s not even a test or quiz. Reason was, during the performance that Student X did on Mr. Raj birthday party, Student X had shown his underwear intentionally to everyone. And apparently only Ms. Dave among all who attended the party saw it. To punish a student who unintentionally reviled his underwear without even knowing he/she did until the day Ms. Dave told Student X. Today is the 21st century where if a little skin or “underwear” is shown, no body would bother to even give two fucks about it. But why would Ms. Dave give such a punishment over a small thing like this? Does this mean if anyone on the street shows their tummy they would have to be punished with a 10,000 word correction? When I first heard about this I thought maybe her reason was because she did not want small kids to follow this trend where guys today are wearing their jeans/pants below their waist (she has two young boys of her own). That is what most people would think, and that would be if the really thought about it. But NO!! That was not her reason!
It was more complex than anything anyone can think of. She told Student X that Student X wanted to turn on the girls present at the birthday dinner, make them horny. *take a moment to laugh your ass off* How the fuck can anyone get turned on by a secondary school student’s underwear? Do Hushpuppies turn the ladies on? Student X was trying to do something good for the old fag and this is how is “loving, caring daughter treats students who try to do good things for her FATHER! Maybe it’s a Ms. Dave thing (some stupid thing she’s got there ) Father of Student X went to Mr. Raj DIU-TION center to reason with Ms. Dave to cancel the punishment. Ms. Dave was reluctant to do so, when Mr. Raj joined the conversation between Father and Ms. Dave, he supported Ms. Dave!! Saying that this punishment will teach Student X not to intentionally show off his underwear to people. This is how the “great” Raj DIU-TION everyone talks about treats their students. In the end, Father told Student X NOT to write that stupid 5000 word punishment. Fuckers just want to victimize their students! What a bunch of grown ups….

-end-

Happy birthday buddy

2009-03-22T23:00:00.002+08:00

To my dear buddy. You have just celebrated your 20th birthday! I really hope that you enjoyed yourself that night, with all the dancing, drinking and drama haha. I really enjoyed myself seeing how happy you were that night, your first clubbing night =) Thanks for all the times you were there for me, both ups and downs. Especially the times when i was down. Thanks to you im feeling alot better now =) At the same time i would just like to say im sorry for all the silly things i have done to you. Right now i dont know the words to use to tell you how thankfull i am. In the past 2 months, i feel that i have gain a really true friend, YOU! Once agian thank you and HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY!!!

Enjoy adult hood =)

eyes have been fucking opened...

2009-03-16T12:05:00.004+08:00

To all the friends bdays that i have missed out, sorry for not being able to attend, due to personal reasons. Happy birthday/belated and early birthday day to the bdays coming soon.

Recently i managed to hack in to a friends account on facebook and discovered something interesting and at the same time pissing off. There was a message in this account in the inbox where some friends were planning to get a present for a certain someone. Lets call that certain someone QQ. QQ's bday was coming up and these people in the convo on facebook were planning to get QQ a present. THis was organized by some fucking bitch. Will explain what i call that person a fucking bitch. Anyways, the plan was the get everyone in the convo to chip in for a present for QQ, there were at about 12 people in the convo. And it just so happen that at that particular time QQ was in need of some cash for something important. The organizer who “claims” to be QQ’s best friend, did what any best friend would do, which was inform the people in the convo about what QQ needed. To my surprise, most of the people in the convo were really reluctant to give QQ cash, their reason being that QQ might not remember what QQ’s friends got for QQ in ’09. Although QQ needed nothing else, the friends in the convo still wanted to get QQ something that she did not really need. The thing is that I totally understand that its not so nice to be giving any friend cash for their bday, but sometimes if they are in need of the cash, I don’t see whats wrong with helping out a friend. I mention “helping” because that friend needed friends to help. Many were reluctant and some even said let QQ handle QQ’s own problem. I mean like what the mother fucking fucked up fuck? Someone needs help and you want them to handle it on their own? Haiz… There were one or two people who agreed that if QQ needed the money then they should give QQ the money. Not all of them were bad. At the end of the day Im not too sure what the “friends” got for QQ. whatever it is happy early birthday to you QQ!

Speaking of friends, Im a guy who cherishes every friend I have regardless of what the person is like. Every friendship to me, I treat it like gold. To me friendship is the most important thing in the world. PRICLESS! After some snooping around, I found out that just because I ended a relationship with someone, I seem to be the bad guy here. Am I the bad guy? Im not sure about that… To me now I don’t care a fuck what you people think of me, good or bad. All I know is that I did the right thing. So FUCK OFF!! You think just because you choose ignore me means that you’ve done something right? You call yourself a best friend, but you don’t seem to be doing shit! She needs something urgently and all you can do is ask no more than 10 people? Some “best friend” you are…Im sure at least 30 plus people know her and are more than willing to help out. But NOOOOO you wanna do things the easy and take the title of Best Friend. Fuck you bitch. Ooo and btw im the bitch im talking about here, I mention above just now… This is the part I fuck kau her now.

Because I cherish every friendship I have, losing a friendship I don’t take it in a small way. And fuck you if you think im over reacting. You walk pass me as if im a ghost? And I have no fucking clue that you treat me like a ghost? Who do you think you are? In a way im glad that you are treating me like this, cause now I have seen what you really are like. You fucking choose you friends. You don’t truly accept them for who they are, you just put on a fucking mask and fucking pretend to be their friend. I have known you for 2 years and it look like these 2 years of knowing you have all been fucking lies! Im assuming now that the only reason you pretended to be my friend cause of her. If not I think you would not even look at me. You have just created an enemy here. I don’t deserve to have a friend like you, you fucking WHORE! You better not get in my way in any matter now if not… well I don’t think I need to say what might happen. You are a MOTHER FUCKING WHORE, SLUT, BITCH… There are just not enough words to describe you.. AHh another one,. You are a fucking attention seeker! I hope your “friends” see the truth behind that fucking ugly mask you wear on everyday! Hope you get treated like fuck and I just hope for the worse for you! This will be the last I talk about you cause you are so not fucking worth my time… And I hope those who read this, think wisely when talking to this fucking Punjab. Think if you should continue your friendship with her. Think of that fucking mask she wears. Just think about it…

And im not being racist here, that fucking Punjab, I am just referring to ONE and only ONE whore! So if this fucking whore happens to read this and wants to take any action, I suggest that you fucking don’t. Ooo and one more thing… FUCK YOU YOU MOTHER FUCKING FUCKED UP MOTHER FUCKER CHI BAI WHORE!

Think about it people….

So far in 2009...

2009-03-04T00:41:00.003+08:00

Have not touched this blog since last year P24. So i think its about time that i kinda added something here. Its been about 13 months since the last post, and a quick update bout my life this year...

So far, the year 2009 has not been the best year. Had been having some problems before Chinese New Year with my relationship, causing me to have to break up. Breaking up is not as easy as it sounds. I mean, not trying to brag or anything, but before this i have been in 4 relationships, and all 4 girls broke up with me. In other words i got dumped pretty bad a few times. Have never thought that i would ever be in that position where i would be the one breaking up with my partner. As i have been dumped 4 times, I think i can say that i really know what it feels like to be heart broken. Now I feel so guilty about the outcome of this break up, and its not doing me any good, nor is it doing her any good. Like they say there is a first time for everything, but i never thought it would be this painful. Even though it was me who asked for the break up, i still feel like shit everytime i think about what i have done to her. Wish i could take back whatever nasty things i have said or done to her in the past. It has been about 2 months since the break up, neither one of has talked to each other since then. I guess its a normal thing after a break up. I was in this relationship for 15 months! The longest relationship that i have ever been in, and breaking up with her was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. Friends say that breaking up with her was the stupidest thing to do, but i had to do what i had to do. I feel it was a wise decision regardless of what people say. Im a person who puts my friends before anything else including myself, friendship to me is the most important thing in life. Now that we dont see or even talk to each other, i feel that this friendship is dying. Yea i know that im the jerk who broke her heart, but if its ever possible, i still wanna be friends. I would give anything for my friendships. This part of my life has not been an easy one. I have been feeling extreamly emotional for the past 2 months, mixed feelings about everything. Whenever i see her in coll, i feel so akward. My mood will just switch just like that! Maybe its normal to be feeling this way, but i feel its screwing up things! I probably just need some time to get over these feelings. Although its all bad and negative things happening now, there has been some good in this situation aswell. Since the break up, i feel that i have changed, not knowing if its for the best or the worse, i feel less childish and more matured. Have learnt to take life more seriously. Not only have i changed, but have found out some new things too. Like having know who my true friends are, not that all my friends are not true to me, but friends who really care and love me for just being myself! My 2 best friends MC and TK for example, through my ups and downs, they have always been there to back me up or pull me up when im down. This year i have made another really close friend whom i will keep close to my heart, Buddy. Buddy is one of the first few to noticed the change in me, when i was feeling emo and all, and was if im not mistaken the first to come up to me asking whats the matter with me. I have also gain an elder sis, Che, who listens to me and just showers her love on me when i need it most. Thanks MC, TK, Buddy and Che...Having said this, I am slowly starting to have my eyes open to the people who really care about me, I will never forget this part of my life.

Yes yes i know, my first post this year and its a silly one... Anyways besides that, life in coll is not as fun as it used to be. The subjects are starting to kill, assignments getting thougher, classes feeling longer and etc. Feel that life is empty. Nothing special, not feeling the WOW in life yet this year. Am hoping that the next few months will change. I hope to get back to my normal self, cheerful and happy go lucky, or something like that...

Oh, forgot to mention, I have noticed another change in myself. Have no clue why, but it seems that im like some super sweet talker. Not bragging bout myself, its what i have been told. Not by one girl, not by two girls, but so far there have been at least 7 girls saying that im such a sweet guy. They tell me that the words i use are so sweet and that it seems that i always put a smile on their faces. And just for the record, I have had NO intention to flirt, or maybe its just what i have become, a Sweet Talker... Dont know if thats a good or bad thing. I just enjoy seeing people smile and laugh. Just watching them smile and laugh gives me that warm feeling inside me, where i have managed to lite up a smile on the persons face whether they are feeling down or feeling "up".

As my conclusion for my first post of year 2009, I would just like to thank all those who have been there for me and showing their concern for me. Sorry if i did not mention you, but i do appriciate your concern and will never forget it. And to that girl, I am truely sorry for breaking your heart. I really hope that our friendship, or whats left of it, can continue. It would be a sad thing for me to loose this friendship of ours.

All the best my friends...

Pack the floor for 24!

2008-01-16T21:49:00.000+08:00

As many of you know Help recently hosted a charity dance marathon event at the Securities Commission KL. After 8 long months of planning and working, WE, P24 committee, all our hard work and sacrifices finally paid off when the event turned out to be a freaking SUCCESS!

P24 was able to raise a total of Rm12,000!!! Do you know how much that is?? ALOT!

The event was really great and everyone had LOADS of fun! Dancing and getting to make friends and the feeling of knowing that you were there not because you only wanted to have fun, but also that you know that you have contributed your time and money for this event to be a huge success. Thanks to everyone who came that day, Rm12,000 will be sent to MAF (Malaysian Aids Foundation) Without YOU, this event would not have been a success.

Ooo and by the way, my dance team called "Guts" joined the competition and managed to win second place! We won Rm500 bucks! Right now the team is planning what to do with the money, spend it on ourselves? Or give it to charity? Hmm... Will think about it haha!

Anyways i just want to wish everyone who helped out in this event a very big THANK YOU! Cause it was everyone of YOU who helped out in this event that made it a success.

Till the next time..

enjoy life....

Its Christmas everyone!

2007-12-25T15:19:00.000+08:00

ITS CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!! Its the time of the year which everyone knows best, exchanging presents! A time where friends and family members get together just to spend time with each other. Normally done at night where the big fat turkey would be out for us to slice and dice. A happy time for both the old and the young. Old cause they can meet up with all their family members and the young, the freaking presents!

Last night was Christmas eve where King Ji, Henry, Juan and me went out to TRY to celebrate it. We went to the curve at about 8 to have a good time. When we went there, the first thing we did was look for friends there. The place was pack worse than a can of tuna. In the end we managed to meet up with Tiff, Sze Mun and KLB, Waise and gang, and Victor with Fidi and their group of friends. Everyone was having a ton of fun while we were kinda just stoning around asking ourselves what to do next. Instead of chilling around there till the countdown, we left the place and headed to Tbun ( Cyber Cafe) to have OUR little Christmas celebration.

Finally its Christmas. Today i was suppose to go to Flamingo Hotel for a church Christmas party at 9 in the morning, but had some problems with transport, ended up waking up at 2. Woke up, and without even eating anything, im online with no idea what to do or who to chat with. Just listening to emo songs. Looking around blogs, blogs with a Christmas post in it, cause its Christmas and all.

While reading these post on numerous blogs and looking at all the Christmas pictures, I started thinking of the friends i have made this year 2007. I can still remember my first semester in college where i made a ton of friends as we all were new in college. The first group of friends i had in college consists of Tiff, Sze Mun, Kheng Wei, Dana, Belle. These 5 girls were the first group of friends i had in college. And now? We hardly hang out, let alone TALK! We have drifted apart. Now it seems that we have forgotten each other. I hardly call them, they hardly call me...

Then came the second semester in college. I had joined another group of friends. This group consists of Peggy, Steph, Eng Huat, Ashy, Mel, and Hui Fung. I managed to keep the relationship strong for the following semester. Things were going great and all till the third semester came. Everyone had forgotten about our group and started going out with other groups of friends leaving us hanging. Like before, we drifted apart from each other.

Christmas is a time of fellowship with the ones you love and care about. Where is it all now? Everyone is going on with their own thing. Not to say that they are not allowed to do so. But what im trying to say is that friends should not forget friends.

Today is Christmas and im feeling like im having Christmas all alone. As those of you who know me, im not really the family kinda guy and my friends are the best things in my life. But instead of cherishing this special moment with them, i end up doing it all alone...Thank God that i still have a group of friends who still stick together.

Its Christmas everyone! Cherish whats important to you before things change. Cause once things change, it would be difficult to get them back to the way you want...

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Thoughts of the week...

2007-08-18T02:08:00.000+08:00

For the past week i have been feeling loads of mixed emotions, have been thinking about my love life (kind stupid thing th think about) and feeling loads of different feelings. I myself am not sure if these feelings are telling me something... was looking forward for my holidays and now that they are here i feel that i miss someone... but im not sure who that is... and btw its a she... do i have feelings for her? cause i have been going out alot here and there watching movies, clubbing, parties and many more. and every time i come home, i feel empty on the inside, that something or someone is missing... is it love? hate? sadness? WHAT IS IT??? think i like someone but am not sure if i should go ahead and start to do my thing to get her. i kinda have experienced my fair share of bad relationships and im not sure if i should get in to another one so anytime soon... for some reason, i have not really learnt my lesson from my mistakes in the past. my mistake is that i move in too fast in relationships and thats why it keeps breaking up... i mean, what is the point getting in to a relationship now? there is a big chance that things might not work out, plus im only 18 and i have many more years ahead of me and things can change in the years to come. another thing is that im kinda scared that i might be PLAYED again... haiz... when i get played, others will think that its my fault that the relationship went bad and they would start calling me player, change heart, flirt... yea i know i flirt ALOT but i know my limit. do i wanna get in to another relationship? have a feeling that someone kinda has a crush on me( i could always be wrong) and im wondering if i should take advantage of that. its not everyday that you find someone who actually likes you for who you are and now just your looks.... but im not sure about it... i know im not the coolest guy or the best looking guy, or funniest guy or whatever, there are so many other guys who are alot better than me in everything and why would she wanna stick with me? In the past, some of my relationships broke up because she was interested in some other guy and the reason they told me when they dumped me was that they were not happy or things were not working out or not sure about their feelings... i dont blame them for telling me LAME reasons like this... but it just kinda sucks to be me when that happens lo... thinking about the past can really piss me off! but thank God that im really forgiving and i seriously let things go.. .although it might take a while... I have been in 4 relationships and after these 4 relationships broke, i think i have kinda lost 3 not girlfriends but 3 good friends. we dont talk even if we see each other every now and then... breaking up does not only affect peoples feelings but also friendships. during the break up, everyone one of them told me "I hope that we can still be friends." <<< SEE! i hate this sentence! because its a big fat LIE! they dont mean it! well.. not everyone but many... you say you still wanna be friends so lets BE friends. dont avoid me everytime you see me or something. if you dont wanna be friends anymore then just say so.... After all these, im not sure if i can feel again like how i felt in the past.. but who knows right? to go after this girl whom i THINK likes me or to just wait... i have been told that its only safe to get in to a relationship when i start working so that i can spend her with m own money and not with my parents money.... cause if i use my parents money its like they are buying it for them and its very different if you buy things with YOUR OWN money... have been thinking alot about my love life and i think it kinda sucks real bad...and because of this, i emo so much... what should be done i have to figure out myself and hope that i can pull myself back together...

enjoy life peoples...

emo and stressing..

2007-07-18T23:42:00.000+08:00

You know sometimes there are times where you just wanna die for a while just so that you are able to get some peace in your life? yea i wish for that now.now i have like 5 psy assignmet papers to do and to be handed in by monday which is like 4 days away and i have not started a anything! there is just so much to do and its really stressing me out.. sob =(

And you know the times when you just suddenly remember things, things that have a certain meaning to you? the things that you are not able to forget or let it go no matter how hard you try? sometimes i wish there was someone i coud talk to about all my problems and able to get back answers. answers as in what i should do to fix whatever problem im having. have been trying to get certain memories that are suppose to be long forgotten but its just so hard, why the heck is it so hard??? and everytime when certain things happen, im not sure if i should be feeling sad, emo, pissed, or even happy because its happening...? everyone knows that you should always support your friends in whatever that they do ( nothing stupid thats for sure ), i mean like what they want to do with their lives. supporting them is the right thing to do but should i? i mean its like i would like it to happen but then again, who am i to make my friends choice? sometimes i think i should just go and support them in everyway i can, why? cause im their friend and thats why friends do, but on the other hand sometimes i just wish i could get what i want my way! but by doing that i would destroy my friendship with them? what to do what to do...?

You know what i think is the biggest change in me i have noticed in the last 2 months? i think the biggest change in me is the flirting part of me, for some reasons i seem to have kinda lost interested in flirting with girls... and if you ask my friends, they would say " Ben? Stop flirting? JOKE LA! HAHA" thats why most of them would say but due to some reasons i seem to have kinda lost that interests, or maybe losing it.

Feelings, feelings is such a strong thing that many of my friends have said that you are not able to controll it, i used to think that i was able to control certain feelings of mine such as liking someone, if one of my friends happen to like the same girl i like, i would just force myself to stop liking her, and it has been working. but now for THIS feeling, im just not able to force that feeling to fade away, maybe its cause its still there? izit? is it that i cant get over it or just dont want to get over it? if only all these could just STOP and just go away i think life would be alot easier....

but one things for sure is that i have loads of great friends who can comfort me when im feeling down or emo-ing and maybe thats what keeps me going. my friends who look out for me as if i were their sibling.

seriously if only i could make it all go away, or if not, it all comes to me...

update!!!

2007-07-09T23:12:00.001+08:00

2 weeks ago we have our college leadership camp in trolak. had loads of fun there. henry brought his boom box and we like blasted the damn thing till the whole building could hear us haha. first night there, we were taken to the jungle for a night walk and a solo mission there! Our mission was to stay in a certain location for some time and just wait to be picked up by the jungle guide. OMG it was such a scary experience! haha jkjk it was kinda lame la, had no idea what we learnt from it but kwel!!! when we got back to our rooms, we were deaed tired cause we had an hour walk to and around the jungle for that stupid night walk thing, but instead of sleeping, we ended up getting high and playing haha. my room mates were henry and mahdi. was planing to sleep at around 3 or something but ended up not sleeping at all haha. the worse part was that the next morning we had to gather up in the car park for a 1km run around the campus! we were like WTF?? 6 in the morning and we had to run? the trainer said that the first to cross the finish line would get to be the first to have breakfast with their team! i was like so pumped up to get first cause my stomach was singing celine dion. when whats his name shouted GO! i ran with all my might and strength, but i ended up 4th with a time of 4.15 minutes haha not bad for a guy who NEVER works out lol. the most screwed up thing was that he said he "forgot" to mention that we have to cross the finish line as a whole group! i was like omG! he made us run again! sob.. anyways that was the second day lo, i guess the rest of the day was packed with loads of "FUN and EXCITING" stuff for the all of us! =D

But that was all HISTORY! Now the super kwel things that are happening in my life:
1) kinda finished with "most" of my assignments
2) henry made me cwarl under ALL the tables in DSA
3) nothing....
4) have 1 mummy in college, 2 aunties, 3 babis, one grandmother and father, and im considered as a mummy, daddy, and best of all, BABY! haha
5) nothing again...
6) nothing again...
7) man my life is BORING!

nothing special has happened to me recently lah! so thats my lame update for now! haha enjoy life peoples! KALAKONG! (mummy knows what this means)

Whats going on these past few days???

2007-06-27T22:40:00.000+08:00

haiz.... HAIZ! Yea! a big HAIZ! for the past few days there have been loads of crap around my life... I mean like WHAT THE FUCK MAN! just last week i was called a player... yea you might think its nothing big being called a player, but its kinda a big thing to me for whatever stupid reason i have.... Its real pissing me off lar! argh!
NEXT,
My friends! Im a guy whos friends mean alot to him. and i get the feeling that im losing some friends, we used to be kinda close at the begining of the year, but for God knows what reason, they seem to bee avoiding me.. sob =( and i really just fucking hate it when friends start to be lan ci in front of me.. if joking i dont care la but if really lan ci then it just pisses the hell out of me!
NEXT,
seeming to be lonely again... all sorts of werid feelings are coming back again and new ones are popping out from no where. causing me to kinda feel EMO! argh! i hate that feeling! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!
NEXT,
there are loads of freaking assignmets to do! math (6 days to complete) english (8 days to complete with 1000 more words to go!) psychology ( about 2/3weeks to finish) and i have to go for this stupid leadership camp! argh! where the fuck am i ganna find time to finish everything!!! Finals are like onen and a half months away only! damn stress wei!
NEXT,
today went jamming. booked at 6. plan to jam from 6 till 7. was rushed to get to the studio, when i got there i had to wait for 40 long BORING minutes alone! when i got there they all still at home and i was like wtF? haiz. they said they'll be there in 10 m inutes or around there but it took alot longer then that! argh!

STRESS, FRUSS, EMO, PISSED! wow i can just blow up anytime soon... i really hope things would start to turn around real soon...

Mojo jojo OUT!!!!

Say what you want cause it does not matter to me ANYMORE!

2007-06-24T23:15:00.000+08:00

UV NATION!

2007-06-11T00:40:00.000+08:00

Las night, Uv nation was the BEST! damn cool la all the pro shufflers. if only i could have their moves... Sam bought me a ticket for my bday haha. BEN IS 18 NOW! keke.=D
Went there at 6 and it was so empty, but when it was 7, the place was packed with people. I think there were at least 2000 ppls! WOW! met loads of friends there, and was lucky enough to take a picture with a really hot chick! She was selling some funny face spary thing. lol but i got what i wanted haha! cooL!
Man there were loads of shufflers everywhere! so many diffrent crews there also. We danced there from 6 till 2 in the morning! none stop man! Thanks sam the the bday present! haha
Today is ben's bday! 10 June! Went out for lunch with TIff,DAna,BElle,HENry,PO,FIdi and WENG CHi. had lunch at TGIF. after eating, the ppls there bought me a cake, cool right? NOT! they made me stand on the table in front of so many ppls and they sang me some weird song... then after cutting the cake, i had a really good kiss at the cake.. stupid guys! haha. but i enjoyed myself! THANKS FOR THE SUPER COOL YET WERID PRESENTS! Got:
1) pink boxers with little hearts on it.
2)a pink shirt
3)a really nice rose...... with a freaking THONG IN IT! HAHA damn funny! thanks tiff.. -D

weird la these past few days, but i enjoyed it keke thanks for this week! =D

enjoy life ppls, ben who is now 18 and can drink, smoke, club, and many other things, is saying...

UV NATION ROCKS!!! HAHA

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANA!

2007-06-06T21:36:00.001+08:00

Yesterday was a really long day. Henry and I had to go around collecting money from all of Dana's friends. We were planning to get her a really BIG teddy bear. At the same time, Tiff and Mahdi also had the same idea to get her a big teddy. Fortunatly we all decided to do it together. We managed to collect a total of RM220.00!!! See Dana! You have so many good friends! haha. Anyways, after collecting the money, we went to MV to look for the bear. First we heaeded to TOYS R'US(think thats who you spell it), we thought they would sell like really big and cute teddys. When we got there, the biggest teddy we could find was only about 2 feey tall and looked kinda weird. Then i was like " Wei, Henry! Memory Lane got loads of birthday gifts! When we got there, we saw a really HUGE and CUTE bear! The second we saw the bear, we decided to get it! Funny la, 2 guys going in to memory lane buying a really cute teddy and signing up for a membership card...... WTF?haha! Anyways, i hope you (Dana) enjoy your present! HAPPY BITHDAY!

Wednesdays SUCKS!

2007-05-30T15:40:00.000+08:00

Bored in college! every Wednesday i have only one freaking class at 3.30pm. Woke up at 10 am this moring to meet up with Dana in college for MATH tuition. Was planning to meet up with Dana after her class which ended. While on the way to college, i msged Dana asking her where can i meet her... she replyed, "sorry ben, im on the way home..." Ben was like OMG! I want tuition from Dana cause i have a freaking quiz tomorow which im totally not ready for =p
Just hope for the best la i guess.... Dana you owe me!!! haha lol

have been on college since 11 am till now 5.... 6 whole hours doing nothing... what a waste of my life lol. I hate Wednesdays! argh stupid day... =P gatta go for class now lol...

Ben ben OUT!

ITS TIME FOR A CHANGE!

2007-05-22T23:01:00.000+08:00

I've been thinkin about all the shit that has been happening to me lately i dont blame anyone for it, its just my unlucky luck. And i think that the way i been acting has been REALLY childish and stuff, haha. I've been so stupid for so many years not to see that God has given me so many good friends. Now my eyes have been opened and i see that all my friends really care for me and look out for me, and i have decided to be a better person to all of them! Im not the same Ben whom everyone used to know, i have CHANGED! You wanna know who i blame for me changing??? MELALYN! (lg leader) she is like the nicest girl i know! and i want to be just like her! although we are not the best of friends, but everytime i've got a problem, she is always there to comfort me and cheer me up. Not only that, she is nice to EVERYONE! There are also other people whom i thank for me changing, Dana, for being there to listen to me although she says that she has no experience with my problems; Tiff, Kheng Wei and Henry for talking to me when i needed someone to talk too.Sze mun who has been caring alot for me thank you so much for everything, Thanks to all of you! And im sorry if i have treated anyone like a dog or anything.

Im here to make you happy and laugh!=)

More.....

2007-05-22T15:41:00.000+08:00

Haha life is just great. i mean i just found out that i failed me Malaysian Studies. WTF??? now im ganna have to repeat it again! argh!!!! screw this la.. sob.. =(

I know that more unhappy things are just ganna be happening soon....

life is full lof pain..... ouch.

The break up!

2007-05-21T22:08:00.001+08:00

20th May 2007. Just two days more before two months of being in a relationship, and now its all over. I got together with the girl whom i thought was the one on the 22nd of March, in "study skills" class. haha really weird how we got together but we just did. We did not really get a chance to go out or anything, we would just see each other in college. During our first semester, all our classes were the same, and it was really nice to have someone you know who loves you and is there for you. But life is unfair and NEVER nice to you. She broke up with me because she did not really love me. Kinda sucks when it happened and it was kinda lame about not loving me. Was really ticked off about it, but thats life. Later that night i called her trying to patch things up with her, but like i said life is UNFAIR! And failed doing so. Before breaking up she had told me about the way she felt and that it was probably not going to work out, so we thought things might change if we just kept on going and together patch ourselves up. 3 days later she told me that it was just not working out. I tried to convince her not to break up, but she said "If we keep this on, we would be cheating ourselves" those were the words she typed in the msg. After that i was crushed, i felt like just jumping off some super tall building! I dont blame her, infact, in a way im really happy that she told me about how she felt and that she did not just want to be with me cause she just "like" me. I really loved her, and if she ever reads this, i ment every word i ever said to you... What was supprising was that she was the first girl to make me cry. CONGRATS!!! Although you did not get to see it but you did it! Yea i cried, not much but still.... Anyways, while i was so broken down i msged Mel ( lg leader) to tell about what just happened. She said "If you really love her you will learn to let her go" and to make me feel better she said,"It is better to be with someone who loves you then with the one you love" Yea i was told many times about this but never listened to it, i thought i would not have to go through that kinda experience. The most FUCKED up thing is that i have been helping friends fall in love. HAH! now look what happened! i just lost at my own fucking game.....

ASSIGNMENTS AND MORE...

2007-05-20T15:57:00.000+08:00

ARGH! so many assignments! haiz i have an assignment for CTS and 2 assignments for Psychology and ONE for adv.english! why la!!!!!!!! so the diu wei...=( i just hope i can finish up all these in time if not im ganna get screwed BIG TIME! already emoing since last night for GOD KNOWS WHAT REASON, and today i have got nothing to do at all but these STUPID assignments!( asdkjfhaskjdhfaskjdfnanej ) <<<>

First blog!

2007-05-20T15:24:00.001+08:00

Finally i have a blog for everyone to read about my BORING life. =) Intro! well im Benjamin Tan but you all can call me whatever you like Ben, ben ben. benny, benji, "Benana"^^ or just whatever you can think off lol. I have great friends whom i can look too for help if i ever need any^^,

There is really nothing much to know about me, but i think that if you get to know me you are not ganna regret it.